CORN DOWN Prank Calls

Before we can do this show, I need to give you my new WiFi password. The internet company changed it and they said I need to update it on all my devices, and I don’t know what that means. I also need to give my password to KF Chicken, and they do NOT want it. Oh well. On to the next issue; Pot-pie capacity. There’s a firm answer to the question, and whuppy and I are going to journalize the information out of employees. I also get refunded for a bad date. Wasted makes an appearance and we start getting rocks from the gas station. Naturally, we mail them back. From Ohio. We mail painted rocks, rubber bands, normal rocks, and the like. Towards the end Armada makes an appearance, I get stabbed by a needle, we hand out a few more rocks and that’s pretty much the whole show. Check it out.

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No one ever knows what I’m talking about. It just sucks. I even have a specific Chicken Number, #KF2316, doesn’t help. Whuppy is on a quest to numb his mouth, and I’m fully on board. Whuppy also has a stupid computer voice. I have a brush with a chicken orb, we can’t count past two, and there’s an issue with girl stuff. Whuppy almost makes a friend over chicken parts talk, but then no. In the second half we get fun pump sounds and announcements and absolutely no touching. Wild One has a blind spot, wastedmemory finds some sauce packets, and Hootis secures some long term parking. Peace out.

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The Google has, unsolicited, determined a number of problems with a number of businesses. First and foremost is the fact that they’ve been under-performing; what this means is anyone’s guess. The second issue is Smurf. There’s Smurfs on my chicken, on my gas, on my papers. And as far as I’m aware, there’s no Smurf promotions going on, so… am I in danger? Meanwhile, wastedmemory has got no time to place the same orders day-in and day-out so he spends the majority of the show securing a blanket order. He’s much better at it than I am. Tiff tries to have a bicycle race (before falling down a hill and turning into a car), and I actually get a few foot races scheduled. Oops it turns out wasted was making blanket orders using his 401k. That’s not good. A couple people fall down, a couple fall up, Wild One gets a loan to buy gas, we remove some wet floor signs, and that’s it. It just sucks. Oh well.

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This is an unscheduled show, out of the blue, kind of just for no reason. Just like the payments we’re trying to make. Whuppy talks to a man who helps him out with his Century Toilet Computer 2000. Very helpful. I deal with a place that doesn’t know how to do it’s job and help whuppy to do the same. Wastedmemory makes an appearance but doesn’t want any questions, just chicken. There’s an issue with my Coke being made to taste like Pepsi, and chicken like hotdogs. Many more unscheduled payments occur, and I try to get a discount for having an ex-girlfriend that worked there. There’s chicken smell, short term memory loss, and more unscheduled payments. Dog Lettuce, Wild One, and Tiff make calls about gas face, pump anniversaries, and bathroom surveys. I get a gum bag, and we’re done with the show.

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You know how when you go to fast food places, they have way better napkins that they aren’t giving you? I know all about this, all too well. So what do you do? You upgrade your napkins, thats what you do. Mutli-Fold-Employee-Use-Only-Napkins exist, and you can have them, but only if you know to ask. What about Salisbury chicken? Is that a thing, and if not, why not, and if yes, why is it in my KF Chicken Fame Bowl? Whuppy notices the chicken tastes like chicken. Somewhere around here we find a phone number not accepting calls due to the operator being dizzy. Now that you mention it, the chicken has been making me dizzy and I can’t take any calls either. Also, sniffing gas makes me VERY dizzy and this can’t continue. One popular way to prevent dizziness at the pump is faking it at the pump. So the rest of the show, for the most part, is fake. We fake at the pump, catch other people faking, the gas is faking it, and I faked it by accident. I’m sure people are going to give me shit for it, but I’m so beyond caring at this point.

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What, actually, is the difference between a window and a door? Tough question. The answer is; nothing. There is no difference between a window and a door. This poses serious issues for whuppy and myself. First off, can’t find the door at all. Very unprofessional. Perhaps it’s not that we can’t find the door, maybe we’re mistaking the door for a window, or maybe the door is outright missing. If thats the case, that explains why we try to borrow doors from other businesses. Whuppy has a sequel problem with his taco, and I have an emergency problem with needing to litter. It’s all bologna. From there, my son and a swath of other people all get stung by chicken stingers. A guy, assumedly, an employee takes this opportunity to steal my lunch. Luxapol gets defensive, Alaska mixes octanes, and Wild-One freezes gas. Tiff was there too, but I don’t want to say too much on that matter.

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Something was up with the audio in this CORNDOWN. It kept going silent. Pretty sure that’s not normal. Things aren’t just supposed to go silent. One thing that isn’t silent? The lawnmower; it’s going nuts. Wastedmemory is here this week, and he’s getting odd photos and videos of his KF Chicken products, and the staff is on the defense. I’m getting weird AI results when scanning the chicken… shrimp? Probably because they use instant chicken. They won’t even let us schedule an HR meeting, which is pretty darn weird. But you know one thing we do find out? Secret freezers. Yeah. It’s bad. If you’re confused by any of this, it’s only because you don’t have the correct context, and thats another issue we try to solve. Later, Rosin finds chicken foam, which I am informed is normal and safe, so probably throw that out immediately. Wing Commander participates in Chicken Rituals, Wild-One flambés, and Tiff? Well, I’m glad you asked. Tiff is exposed to cold water and turns into a red sports car, which naturally ruins the show, and the Meet’n’Greet. Thanks a lot, Turbo Tiff.

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Managers at fast food places are supposed to have roadside assistance to protect the customers that travel through their drive thru. In this gripping episode of CORNDOWN, we expose businesses not maintaining this simple standard. It doesn’t really work as a premise. Whuppy and I dabble in getting our chickens put down, which works a little better. Then wastedmemory shows up and saves the show by using the app to quit a job he doesn’t have. Classic. From there, the show gets intermerged with peas and carrots. First I try to order some, then I don’t want any, and finally I see a employee flaunting his peas and carrots in the parking lot. Surprisingly, this premise works the best, by far. Peas and carrots. Go figure. Towards the end, Luxapol and Whuppy have the age-old FISH SKELETON vs FISH BONES debate. And finally Luxapol brings us back to our investigative journalism roots with an expose on employees drinking water on shift. Eye opening stuff. But what about Tiff? Well, Tiff didn’t even show up. Tiff is wildly unreliable and shouldn’t be trusted. Oh well. Live and learn.

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This CORNDOWN picks up quickly. Then whuppy has an ongoing issue, and no one is doing anything to help. This persists for another forty minutes. Then we’re back to picking me up, it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal, I don’t weigh that much. We also get some employees to wipe down. You have to wipe down. In the second half, we get picked up rather than trying to get them to pick us up. It’s an important distinction, trust me. I test a theory, wasted deals with male housekeepers, Tiff has crickets, and Wild One has a dispute resolved. Whuppy and I take turns taking too long and not breaking any glass, and Luxapol has a vibration problem in the bathroom (with doors). I think that’s about it. What am I forgetting?

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This is a bad episode; It’s covered in scum. There’s chicken scum, and scum on the buns. Whuppy tries to do a bit on the issue but it doesn’t work out due to packet loss. Scum, scum, scum. There’s scum everywhere. And I think they’re heating the buns? Whuppy also discovers if you say “coffee cup”, everyone will hang up on you. I try to get some people to ride the bus with me, we talk trucks with rosin, and a little more scum. I also have a long call with a girl who has to google everything. It was very interesting. In the end, Tiff doesn’t ruin anything. So that’s good.

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I failed on this one, BIG TIME. First off, I failed to order, then whuppy failed to do a bunch of stuff. This most certainly does not meet my personal standards, and I am officially apologizing. Shortly after that, some animals got bit in the parking lot, which is not normal. There’s even a chance the manager is hitting customers and employees, which some might say is a failure to manage properly. Then we move on to hotels, and I fail to hotel completely. Rosin gets his credit card information stolen, and hootis encounters a beast. Naturally, this leads to a beast trying to get our credit cards. Very not good and very failure. I apologize. Then, with minimal stoppage, we bite a couple more animals, and whuppy gets a fuzzy one in his room, and we’re out. And it’s not Tiff’s fault.

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This is definitely a double pump’d episode. It starts off with some lost food, some old food, a display model, and setting it to all 9s, then we get into the double pumping. You can’t just let customers double pump like that. It’s bad for business. On top of that? I get chicken face, and from not even that much chicken. It just sucks. It’s around this time that I get a notification on my phone that a groundhog is walking on the grass. From there we try to throw some bandaids away, but its not easy. There’s a bit more double pumping, various body parts get run over, and I speak to the criminal department. Wild One joins forces, whuppy has some gross garbage, and now you know why I say ‘thank you’.

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It’s Mark’s last day, but not for the reason you might think. Things get dark. It’s whuppy’s fault. You gotta check on your inactive employees, not check your brakes in the drive thru. We also prevent bad brand association by taking food from homeless persons. That’s about when the employee puts their fingers in my mouth. It’s not that big of a deal, I’m not even mad. Whuppy gets his eye touched and that leads to pinkeye. So I try to take a minute to just wait before the call starts, but a couple places don’t want to let that happen. There’s a little dog hating, a little dog visiting, a few more fingers in mouths, and then real quick I shave four or five dogs in the parking lot, and it’s over before you know it.

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Why is it so hard to pay full price? It seems like they’re always forcing promotional discounts on you, and I hate it. It’s a really problem issue. Wastedmemory also discoveres you get in trouble with the police when you give chicken to children. And you go straight to jail if you give chicken to the police. If the police do not want the chicken, do not give the police the chicken. They’ll just use the smell as probable cause to search your car and put you in handcuffs over chicken. It just Sucks. Like the classic problem of string on the gas pumps. I think it sucks, whuppy thinks it sucks, rosin thinks it sucks, wasted thinks it sucks, it just sucks. Wastedmemory can’t even get numbers for his computer, and the gas station seems to think we got carjacked at the checkpoint. There’s weird bathroom lighters, and pictures of my sister, and one of the employees remembers me. It just sucks. I love you.

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This show starts with a blocked bike lane. This is not only incredibly unsafe, but it’s annoying and I hate it. You have to keep the bike lane cleared. But every single call picks up. That never happens. Weird. From there, in the process of getting our orders notarized, wastedmemory and I notice that the store doesn’t want to touch our ID cards. No one wants to touch mine for sure, and no one will even look at wasted’s. This keeps up until the halfway point, plus or minus a five or ten minute thing. On the second half, we try to spice things up with a little extreme honking, and way too much coffee. I’m talking an excessive amount of coffee. Hootis runs from the cops, but Tiff makes things way too sexual, and we have to end the show early. Even the toilet and the sink were getting sexual. Not cool.

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A lot of this episode of CORNDOWN takes place in the bathroom. A lot of this episode of CORNDOWN has to do with hair. As such, the first calls are all about finding hair in the bathroom, which evokes some bad vibes and leads way to being scared in an empty bathroom. From there, whuppy and I work on hiring someone that looks just like us, and eventually give up on that and just swap out with Jeff. In the second half, the gas station bathrooms are still empty, there’s latency at the gas station and people are getting sniffed. The pumps suck, I get my car towed up there to get some chips, Tiff shaves, Snappy yodels and then it’s over.

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Listen, I don’t know what you think I saw, but I didn’t. I didn’t see anything. And that’s what we’re telling people on the phone. I saw nothing, I’m not going to say anything. This makes a lot of people apprehensive. Wastedmemory can’t feel anything though, which isn’t normal. This leads to an important question; If I saw nothing, what do I tell the police? This also agitates people. A bit later, whuppy gets us started painting stripes on things to reduce crime (obviously). Wild One wants to bring a chair to sell fireworks, and that’s a great idea for sitting. A few crisp high fives, a little Sweedishness, and it’s all over very suddenly. No arguing needed.

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This is probably the most normal episode ever, and there isn’t any heavy editing. It starts by returning a page we received on our beeper. This leads me to remembering I was banned from Hooters last night, and seeing how it affects other businesses. Wasted and I dabble in some light flashlight usage and deal with drive thu warning signs. From there, we further explore flashlight usage, encounter some maintenance psychos, fix a few trees, feel unneeded, and get a pep talk from John. It was a very normal show. You can’t prove otherwise.

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The first call is about Schwebel’s bread, which is a 120+ year old local bakery, and they announced they were shutting down shortly after this call. I thought they were a national label. I didn’t mean to get them shut down. I’m sorry. Other than that we’re shooting for 100% on this show. We try to 100% a bunch of Arby’s. They don’t like it. They don’t even let us go for 50-75%. What’s wrong with these freaks? We ask about sister sandwiches/stores and sandwich breads and buns. We try to 100% some gas stations too, but we also try to microwave our phone batteries. There’s a little bit of car washing, a little bit of standing on your car, and we’re out. It happens fast. Be ready.

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I really don’t have a great reason, but this CORNDOWN seems to revolve around nail clippings. I’m not particularly proud of this. Luckily, whuppy gets things wet, and we grab some (personal) information on the chicken, or this would have been all clippings. There is a good amount of dealing with wet things actually, such as wet chicken, wet bowls, wet rooms, and classic warm and wet. Other than that, Snappy Bakes has some gay dogs, Tiff knows all fifty states, and I’ve been keeping my toilet paper in a bag rather than flush it. That’s about it. If you need me, I’ll be on the temple level.

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