Says Who?

Someone wrote a really, really long post.

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This week, Dan and Maureen look at life two weeks away from the 2026 midterm election, which means it’s time to talk about the people who have been inside Maureen’s skull this week. And if we’re talking about that, of course we have to talk about everyone’s favorite character: The Tooth Man. You know The Tooth Man, right? Obviously they’re going to get to things like the rotating press secretary and the golf course—but the Tooth Man is here!

Also, let’s go to Stupid Versailles in the Says Who It’s Not Quite History Corner!

Two weeks, SaysWhovia. Gird your loins and count your teeth.

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Maureen shouldn’t be allowed to tour.

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Remember when we said there wouldn't be an episode this week? Well strap in Sayswhovians because not only IS there an episode it is actually RECORDED LIVE AND IN PERSON. In the dark, by a lake, with a rat. So, you know, a very Maureen and Dan live recording, captured while Maureen is out on tour for the Velvet Knife. Or at least trying to be.

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It’s almost time for Maureen’s book to come out! She’s getting ready for tour. Someone took all her kitchen drawers and are tooth is exploding, so things are right on schedule!

Dan would like to help plan. And also, tell her about Trump’s wonderful plans for the Kennedy Center, some art, and a beautiful arch full of snipers and drones.

It’s fall 2026, SaysWhovia. Time to get weird.

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HE’S ALIVE!

Sort of!

Technically???

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Whoa! Dan can’t believe that it’s September! He has no idea where is in time! That’s okay. Maureen will help. These pictures of RFK and Vance chowing down on sauerkraut while Marco Rubio lurks in the background will help ground him. Probably. For sure all this Trump ballroom and arch talk will help. There’s so many details! Such thick stuff!

Dan does not feel better.

Get your dancing shoes on, SaysWhovia. We’re going to a ball.

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Welcome to September, SaysWhovia! What a fall we are about to have. FALL IS RIGHT, right? And new war just dropped—this time, Canada! Sure. Why not.

But Dan and Maureen are here to talk about coping. About protecting your mind and body and this time. This includes teeth, which cannot be trusted.

It’s happening, so we’ll do it together, eh?

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Dan and Maureen are back and ready to rocket into the autumn of 2026! It’s been a spicy summer, and it’s we’re going into a fall that will break the Scoville scale. In the meantime, let’s catch up and hear about the totally normal and not at all weird person who follows Trump around with a printer in a backpack and feels normal things for him.

We’re in this together, SaysWhovia.

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Maureen has been alone for ten days with an orbital sander and a dream—a dream of a thing she thought would be easy and fun and take a few days. That is not how this went down. She needs to talk to Dan about it. Failure is fun! And important! And definitely what is happening right now! Dan is not surprised.

Meanwhile, no one knows if Mitch McConnell is even alive, so who cares if Maureen can’t refinish furniture? Well, she CAN, just not in the way she hoped. Was she part of the crew who worked on the Reflecting Pool? Seems like it! Oh, and RFK is saying things about COVID that would cause rocks to scream.

It’s okay to mess up, SaysWhovia. It’s how we learn. Just keep going. Change nothing. Continue down the path. Dig deeper. There’s treasure in there somewhere. There just HAS to be.

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We’re back! Dan’s in California, going to Disney and living his best life under an orange tree. Maureen has been left to her own devices for ten days and bought a bunch of power tools. Time to think about the Big Picture—living right, climate change, does the Senate even matter, and how many times you should ride Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

It’s summer 2026. Time to do what feels right, SaysWhovia.

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Dan and Maureen are back! Well, to SaysWhovia. Maureen is in NYC. Dan is dragging a metal house across America and is a little nervous about it. Obviously, this week we’re going to talk about Which Senators Are Dead—a creepy new game that’s more challenging than it appears.

We missed so many things on this year’s SHOES card.

Come over here, SaysWhovia. Prove you’re alive.

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The Fourth of July, and America's 250th birthday, is this week and the vibes are off.

But it's OK because a good old fashioned state fair has set up in the nation's capital and it's going just great.

Plus: pretty soon someone's launching nearly a million firework shells.

Nothing can stop us now.

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Well, obviously Dan and Maureen are going to talk about the reflecting pool. Obviously. But also! RFK has pockets full of sauerkraut, we tried to invade Greenland for Red Lobster, and Maureen spills on a secret she’s been keeping for MONTHS!

Just put your suit on, SaysWhovia. And maybe some protective gear. We’re going swimming.

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What’s that feeling in the air? It’s patriotism! We’re celebrating 250 years of whatever this is the way our wacky founding fathers would have wanted—turning the reflecting pool green, wrapping the Kennedy Center in a tarp, and having a cage match on the White House lawn. But it’s not even our nation’s birthday yet! It’s just a Big Boy’s Birthday and we’re getting some fun in early to celebrate our favorite guy. Algae, coverups, and blood spit. Hooray!

To celebrate at home, Maureen cleaned some fans and made soup. She’s smiling at Dan, which is making Dan nervous. There is no need to be nervous, Dan. Maureen is just happy to be here at such a wonderful time.

Get your party hats on, SaysWhovia. Celebrations are mandatory.

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Dan and Maureen are back after a brief and unexpected hiatus. Maureen has many things to tell Dan—so many adventures in England. This includes the new SaysWhovia Manor. Let’s ignore the news for a minute and hear about our future in the past, when we all get really into falconry and magick.

Grab your staff, SaysWhovia. We’re going to the Misty Mountain.

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Hey SaysWhovia, there's a big vat of chemicals threatening to blow, a Ultimate Fighting Championships ring getting built at the White House, and DoJo's getting married. So clearly: It's our time.

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Is it all feeling like a lot, SaysWhovia? That’s because it is. The UK doesn’t know who’s in charge. Voting rights have been jettisoned back to Jim Crow times. Trump is driving around in the reflecting pool. New virus just dropped. But this is a copying strategy! And those racist Confederate lovers are loser scum. Keep trying. Keep with your friends. Listen to the new Rebel Spirit! Organize your beans! Get some bins!

Get in the helicopter, SaysWhovia. We’re going to steal a statue.

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There was nothing to talk about this week. Nothing at all. So Dan built a machine. A machine to write a book. On a week where nothing happened. You get it.

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This week, take a trip with Dan and Maureen to the weirdest cruise route (currently) in the world. Also, let’s talk writing! And why everyone has to get really drunk to be around Trump. And how there’s a war but it’s not a war and it’s won already but it’s about to start except it is over and the Strait of Hormuz is completely open but we’ve closed it and Iran has closed it and there’s a ceasefire and there is bombing and it will all be settled soon by America’s Failsons. So don’t worry.

Meet you on the Lido Deck, SaysWhovia!

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/sayswho