The Dorota Diaries: A Gossip Girl Podcast

The thing is, Upper East Siders, sometimes you just gotta bet on yourself even if the board thinks you're crazy. Can't relate? Yeah...us either. In today's episode, Blair and Chuck are after the same photograph at Sotheby's, and neither of them will rest until they get exactly what they want. Meanwhile, Serena seeks to teach these two freaks a lesson because they are trying to sabotage her relationship with Carter, who she is now completely in love with. That was fast.

Speaking of fast, Georgina and Dan are hot and heavy, but Dan wants to be just friends with benefits while Georgina wants more, but pretends to be chill about it. Nothing to see here! We're sure this will end on an extremely normal note. Anyway, you better purchase your Amtrak tickets, 'cuz it looks like we're shipping up to Boston with Scott (and Georgina...)!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Pack up those boxes, Upper East Siders, cuz we are moving into the dorms! This is new territory for our Queen B as she tries to make her mark as queen of campus by throwing fish parties and giving away gift bags with Tiffany's jewelry inside? Yeah, we don't really understand it either. She's in her flop era. Speaking of flop, Serena is packing a bunch of bikinis to go to Brown, but will she actually go to Rhode Island? Unless Rhode Island is in Manhattan, I don't think she's making that 5 o'clock train at Penn Station. In a shocking twist, Dan is somehow the most popular man on campus, and he doesn't even live in the dorms! Grab a slice of pizza and meet us in front of the TV in Vanessa's room. You're def gonna cry when you see those formerly incarcerated dudes holding their first carrot. Vanessa, you are truly a visionary.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Summer is coming to an end for our ultra-rich pals, and this descriptor now includes the Humphrey family. Yes, that Humphrey family. Move over, van der Woodsen crew! There's new sheriff in town and his name is Rufus, and things under his control are going as terribly as you can imagine. Lily needs to get her ass back to town to help with all these dang kids!

Serena is back from galavanting around the world on bar tops and ashrams with *gasp* a mystery gentleman companion. Blair and Chuck are cute as hell, but playing creepy sex games. Nate has a Ferrari...or is it a Porsche? We don't really care, but he is still hot. Diversions include a deep dive on Goop, cameos by real celebrity people who suck at acting, and legendary talent agent and microaggression extraordinaire, Bernice Fein.

Better buy that bus ticket 'cuz the limo to Greenwich is already full.

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Vitamin C tried her darndest, but she could never have prepared us for THIS graduation. It's time we bid adieu to the Constance Billard-St. Jude Class of 2009. Serena declares war on Gossip Girl after she gifts all of our pals with superlatives that really weren't that bad? We're still confused as to why this, of all acts, is what sends Serena over the edge.

Meanwhile, Chuck continues to run away from Blair's loving embrace. Our girl is tough, but how much more can she really take of this torture?! We know our hearts simply cannot do this much longer. In other news, Nate is just kind of there, but he is hot and Dan misses high school (allegedly). Go chill that bottle of Dom, Upper East Siders. '09 SO FINE forever, bayBEE!!!

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Put that Porsche top down, cuz we are cruising down a Malibu highway! It's 1983, y'all. For some reason, the penultimate episode of season 2 is primarily dedicated to finding out why Lily is the way she is. And, you guessed it, it's because she had shitty parents and no sense of stability in her formative years! Join us as we fully immerse ourselves in a cartoon version of the 80s and help us mourn the spinoff that never was.

In the present: prison, prom, and princesses - oh my! Will S get out of jail? Will B be Prom Queen? Will C make us cry with his (gasp) generosity and support? You'll just have to hit play to get answers to these pressing questions.

Editor's Note: We had some recording technical difficulties, but it didn't last very long. Sorry about that, Upper East Siders!

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Samantha James once said: "Forgiveness is more than saying sorry." Georgina, are you listening, girl? 'Cuz Samantha is right!!

G is back, and she is on an apology tour sponsored by Jesus. Blair won't accept her apologies, but she WILL accept her help in revenge conning that raggedy ol' Poppy and her geriatric-looking boyfriend! The Non-Judging Breakfast Club™ is back together and my god does it feel so good. Serena and Lily are at odds about how to deal with the Satellites O'er Africa scandal, and we know from history that this may not turn out very well...

In other news, Rufus plans to pop the question. Will Lily say yes a 5th time? Eh, who are we kidding. We don't really care.

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Gabriel and Poppy are BACK on the Upper East Side to shake things up by taking advantage of a pathetic middle-aged former rockstar and a beautiful teenager who is not exactly known for her common sense skills. You know who does have common sense? Queen B! She's onto that shady southerner Gabriel and is on a mission to FIND HIS SECRETS. Dan's writing mentor would be so proud of her. In less important news, Nate and Chuck try to claim their territory with Blair (gross), Dan ain't gettin' into Yale (sad), and Georgina returns (ominous). And what the hell is butter, anyway?!

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Baruch Atah Ay Dios Mio! This episode is absolutely hilarious—we swear it! Serena is back from Espana, now a married teenager to a man who is at least 30 years old. Blair has, for some reason, given up on college altogether and her aspirations have pivoted to that of a junior committee member and a bridesmaid? Dan is a cater-waiter (and not a very good one). Nate is beefing (again) with the van der Bilt family. Jenny is beefing with Chuck (100% makes sense). Perhaps the rain in Spain does indeed stay mainly on the plain. Uncork the Rioja, Upper East Siders! It's time we take a siesta.

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

You are cordially invited to Jenny's Super Sweet 16 Party! Wait, this is a birthday? We had no idea because Serena didn't tell us. Serena is trying to get herself back on the map by throwing a party for Jenny, as she's been too busy being a teenager (the horror!) while Poppy Lifton has been climbing the social ladder that S left behind. Meanwhile, there's trouble in paradise for Nate and Vanessa (RIP), much to Blair's excitement. As they say in 2009, you know how that ended up for 'ol Brad and Jennifer. Good luck, V! Long live Angelina (all according to Blair). Get out those board games and a bowl of Rufus' chili slop, Upper East Siders! This one is bound to be a rager.

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Blair's crashout is still underway, Upper East Siders. It's very entertaining to watch our very own B shed her uptight skin just a little bit, but it begs the question, Where the heck is her mother?

In other news, the van der Bilt's family reunion weekend is happening and Nate is convinced by Vanessa, Dan, and his cousin, Tripp, to attend. Grandfather finally has Nate back in his manipulative little paws again and tries to all of a sudden pretend like he is proud of him and didn't just spend half the year allowing him to live in a home without electricity and heat. SMDH. Now we pose the question: Would you choose Pierogi Tour 2009 or an internship at the NYC mayor's office? Seriously, please answer this. Nate can't make any decisions.

In even MORE important news, Lily has slept with both Trent Reznor and Slash. Also, MAUREEN is here. Legendary all around.

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Clear your calendars, Upper East Siders. We're heading to the theater! We have front row seats to the calamity that is the students of Constance Billard-St. Jude's ruining up-and-coming director, Julian's, vision of "The Age of Innocence". This would have never happened with Mary Jane Watson at the helm. Meanwhile, Ms. Carr continues to infuriate us, Rufus, and NOW even Dan. Some good news: we are pretty sure Vanessa's documentary about this hilarious process will get her into Cannes. Let's see if she can get tickets for us and a few of our closest friends (aka y'all).

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

That ol' bat Ms. Carr is at it again, Upper East Siders! We have reached our limit with Cornflower Mary, and we kid you not, she gets worse with every scene. Someone send this predator to Rikers! In just one episode, this lady's actions got the Constance-St. Jude's Parent Council schlepping to the school on a Saturday (think about the cancelled dinner reservations, says Lily), Handsome Dan being sent away to the French countryside to be raised by that homewrecker Roman, and cell phones banned on campus. Can you believe this?! We sure can't. Text us on our contraband flip phone 'cuz we gotta take this lady down ASAP.

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Don't mind us, Upper East Siders. We're just sitting here hitting "refresh" for Blair on the Yale portal. It's Yale Day, y'all! Join our friends as they anxiously await to hear who is in and who is out. Eh, who are we kidding? Only Dan and Blair are anxious about getting in. Serena is anxious about making a decision about anything at every turn of her life. Unfortunately, she has a new favorite teacher who, for some reason, started at Constance halfway through the school year? Spoiler alert: We (Talea and Maria) hate this lady. In other news, Chuck and Lily finally team up to defeat that pest from Australia, Uncle Jack.

And, finally, we present to you a word without context: LUFUS. Now, if you'll excuse us, we would like to get back to reading our favorite book, Opera for Dummies.

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

It's time for the reading of Bart's will, Upper East Siders! Are you in, or are you sending your legal representation in your place? Chuck's a little more himself in this episode, but the bar is in hell on this, so take that with a grain of salt. Uncle Jack is ELATED that his brother is dead so he can move away from Down Under and make Manhattan his new home. Jack is so devious that he will even use Blair's love for Chuck against her and make her a pawn in his sick game!

Dan continues to avoid Serena so he doesn't end up telling her that they share a sibling, which is proving to be tough on their new relationship. Meanwhile, Eric has a boyfriend and Jenny third wheels constantly, much to Eric's chagrin. In Boston, Rufus continues to beat down the door of every adoption agency to find his 19-year-old son, whose adoption was closed. And at brunch, we ask the age-old question: Can you reserve eclairs??

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

["Amazing Grace" tune] "Chuck once was lost, but now he's found". Chuck may be found, but he's as lost as ever. He's unable to walk 95% of the time, he's doing drugs on school property, his Uncle Jack is here, AND when he can walk, it's happening on the side of a rooftop. It's bad news bears for our grieving boy billionaire, Upper East Siders.

Meanwhile, Dan & Serena are back together... again, while Aaron is crying on a beach somewhere in Buenos Aires with a cease and desist from Ikea in hand and no high school girlfriend. Blair is trying to replace her out-of-control minions with the Colonizer Club, while Jenny is trying to save Nelly Yuki from death by minions. And now a word from our "sponsor", Pinkberry!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Bart has died. *starts playing "Taps"*

However, those billions o' bucks are still alive and they're paying for Andrew Tyler's retainer and comfort food (NOT tuna towers) for hundreds of his closest friends. Lily really should send a thank-you letter to the editor, but she won't. She's too busy slapping her dead husband's son as he struggles with the loss of a parent again.

Please join us as we try to understand why Serena is the A-story in an episode about Chuck and his grief. Thank god for Blair and Nate.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

If you're in line, STAY IN LINE for this episode, Upper East Siders! It's the annual Snowflake Ball, and the drama is so hot that we're certain this ice is going to melt at any minute. Blair and Chuck are still at their little games while Vanessa and Jenny are playing The Petty Games™. Dan and Serena are moving towards an amicable friend zone, but that doesn't stop them from staring at each other while in the arms of another on the dance floor. In other dance floor news: Samantha. Hang onto your top hats, y'all! It's gonna be a bumpy ride on this Lexicoaster.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Order up those diner french fries cuz it's another Upper East Side Thanksgiving, y'all! Dinner will be served at... 4am because we have a LOT of things to cover before we can even start fryin' the bird! If you have notes on Blair's pie recipe, you can keep that to yourself because she is not here for your little games. Speaking of games, will Serena WIN the "prize" that is Aaron Rose, beloved IKEA artist extraordinaire? Somebody get out the van der Woodsen dossiers and tell Bart what the hell is going on here. It's THANKSGIVING!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

It is the 20th anniversary of Bass Industries. Time sure does fly when you are an evil billionaire and abysmal father! It's Blair's birthday and she's about to meet her mom's new boyfriend. Let's hope he's going to be the present she is hoping for, but we won't hold our breath. Meanwhile, Serena is on the world's worst scavenger hunt, while Dan is suddenly a noted New York journalist. As they say, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist

Y'all ever been to a guerrilla fashion show? Well, slip on those Louboutins because Jenny and Agnes cordially invite us to one. What. An. Epic. Moment. You're in for a treat, Upper East Siders. In other news, we are officially launching the "Dan Mind Your Business" challenge, while we watch Blair not mind her business and it's actually a good thing for once. Side stories include: Justice for JT Yorke (Yes, from Degrassi, sigh. Just listen).

Send us Fan Mail

Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at ykyloveus@gmail.com.

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist