The Horror Virgin

“Our cooks are kind of busy murdering a child from your local community.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Five Nights at Freddy’s 2. This film has everything: paranormal robot cold cases, one-size-fits-all music boxes, And unsuspecting guest singalongs. If you love Jason Pargin’s screenplay autopsies, elementary school robot arms races, and haunted theme-park yetis, this episode’s for you!

Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover our community. What did you think of our episode on Five Nights at Freddy’s 2? Tell us on social media @HorrorVirgin on Facebook and Instagram, or @HorrorVirginPod on Twitter.

Up Next: Resident Evil (2026)

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“I don't know what's scarier. Josh Hartnett's hair or Michelle Williams' '90s eyebrows.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Halloween H20: 20 Years Later. This film has everything: masked library research, guard-shack smut, and a school counselor with spectacularly bad timing. If you love suspicious birthday cards, folding-table physics, and imagining Michael Myers as your therapist, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Five Nights at Freddy’s 2

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“I'm sorry you have to see me naked. Stop trying to kill me and I'll clothe myself. But this is on you.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. This film has everything: grassy-knoll hide-and-seek, vascular syringe seduction, And a backwards bridal bazooka. If you love golf-cart ring quests, privatized 911 customer service, and Air Bud's satanic loopholes, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Five Nights at Freddy's 2

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"You're honor, in Yahweh versus Rome."

This week’s scariest movie is... Psycho 2. This film has everything: municipal nuclear arsenals, O.J. Simpson crowd-work hazards, And upper-pectoral boob mechanics. If you love bleeding-wall en suites, murder-knife sandwich service, and mom-signed coworker hate mail, this episode’s for you!

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“Shut the fuck up and dress like an Easter bunny.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Critters 2. This film has everything: reptile piercings at Claire's, Soviet critter espionage, And Mickey Mouse kink protocols. If you love Grandma's intergalactic TV remote, Civil War burger demolition, and CritCon 27's guest list, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Psycho 2

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“Every place I have sex automatically becomes historical.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Phantasm IV: Oblivion (With Mikey Randolph). This film has everything: hybrid Beast dick taxonomy, brown-note embalming science, And bar-certified sex bots. If you love Jawa protection rackets, hydraulic boob engineering, and combat ice-cream uniforms, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Critters 2

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“I can't wait for you to read the Google AI summary about the Beast's dick.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. This film has everything: TSA charcuterie seizures, Latin-speaking exorcist Scooby, And cat-clock moon dials. If you love Ken-doll devil frogs, second-location kidney retention, and Free Willy fish arcs, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Phantasm Four

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“If you don't snap out of this, I will kill us both.”

This week’s scariest movie is... IT Part Two. This film has everything: infomercial-grade bicycle cards, dead-light spider abs, And face-massage intimacy audits. If you love Cocoon-to-Cancun tourism, David-and-Goliath weapons upgrades, and production-mat pratfalls, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Scooby Doo on Zombie Island

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“We're living at the end of an empire, and we're just going to have to get through it. And thank God A24 is here to help.”

This week’s scariest movie is... It Part One. This film has everything: trademarked clown faces, forehead-stabbing greaser bangs, And French hair bikinis. If you love pre-sewer inhaler bumps, ass-first spider snacks, and HPV friendship pacts, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: It Part Two (1990)

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“Dracula is the Ted Kaczynski of this movie. I'm sick of not saying it.”

This week’s scariest movie is... The Monster Squad.

This film has everything: vampire-based church outreach, Frenchie-wolf breathing problems, And copyright-compliant forehead bolts. If you love Swiper-grade bow theft, Town Hall swamp frontage, and preteen monster-hunting LLCs, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Stephen King's IT (Part One)

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“The problem is, there are too many pussies in the glory hole.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Ghost Watch. This film has everything: manosphere bedroom logic, haunted throats, And infallible police witnesses. If you love cat-insulated council houses, Chekhov’s thermal cameras, and 1992 haunted-house AI, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Monster Squad (1987)

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“This should be a PSA for make weird shit with your friends.”

This week’s scariest movie is... One Cut of the Dead. This film has everything: emergency houseplant compost, slap-induced awakenings, And Kubrick-level lunar commitment. If you love second-act title cards, vomit continuity, and human-pyramid cinematography, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Ghostwatch (1992)

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“Murderers can't be choosers.”

This week's scariest movie is... Creep 2. This film has everything: erotic wolf cosplay, one-legged worm shaking, And trolley-problem morality. If you love serial-killer fridge art, wrong-face lockets, and nine-view existential crises, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: One Cut of the Dead

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“Ma'am, what do you think your daughter looked like?”

This week’s scariest movie is... Lake Mungo. This film has everything: paranormal water features, quarterly backyard photo reviews, And the world’s most committed dam enthusiast. If you love Jurassic Park forensics, July 6th conspiracies, and Nokia found footage, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Creep 2 (2017)

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“That’s the reason Jack Quaid named his Goo Goo doll Iris.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Companion. This film has everything: robot breakups, Toaster Targeted victory speeches, And an LLM that can give you hand jibbers. If you love electric-corkscrew morality tales, premium meet-cute loot boxes, and High School Musical class warfare, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Lake Mungo (2008)

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“Too much labyrinth, not enough Bowie.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Backrooms. This film has everything: Lightning Plumbers, Sappy Blood, and your uncle’s worst vacation shirt. If you love IKEA survival plans, out-of-network pirates, and Medieval Times thirst traps, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Companion

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“It’s kind of like an incel found a monkey’s paw.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Obsession. This film has everything: Cinderblock cockblocking, post-traumatic stress dinners, And white-picket-fence lives built on questionably enchanted chemistry. If you love Calvin Klein horror fragrances, music-store staffing conspiracies, and Canadian Fruitopia dealers, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Backrooms

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“It’s clearly haunted. You dodged a bullet. Don’t chase that bullet down.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel. This film has everything: hotel-fucking ghost hunters, rocket-scientist sex magic, And selectively enforced body-cam rules. If you love drop-ceiling gallows, Go Fish jam bands, and arguments held safely outside, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Obsession

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“Alien King George can go fuck yourself.”

This week's scariest movie is... Independence Day. This film has everything: Fruitopia Breakthroughs, Dolphin Wives, And a movie so good there is No Way it's a Michael Bay Film. If you love 90s smoke shows, holy pigeon plot logic, and alien ship nipples, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Hell House LLC II: The Aberdeen Hotel

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“We are not going to win against people who smoke nukes.”

This week's scariest movie is... Mars Attacks! This film has everything: aggressive Martian accents, capitalist bike baskets, And cape-couture command structures. If you love failed cow barbecues, fully glazed donut prophets, and trickle-down chandeliers, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Independence Day

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