Codependency Alchemy: The Podcast

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com

How do you know when you're making a healthy compromise versus abandoning yourself?

What happens when you're doing the inner work, but your partner isn't? And why can something as simple as hearing "no" bring up so many feelings of rejection?

In this month's live Codependency Alchemy AMA, we're exploring unmet needs, changing friendships, resentment, and the ways we sometimes make other people's choices mean something about our worth.

I'm sharing personal stories from my relationship with Justin, along with reflections and shadow work questions to help you recognize where you might be giving up your own needs to maintain connection.

COMING IN NOVEMBER: HEALING THE MOTHER WOUND

We're spending November exploring how our earliest experiences of love and belonging shape our relationships today.

🔒 Click here to unlock this episode and join the Codependency Alchemy membership before our November journey begins.

Why do we sometimes get emotionally attached to someone so quickly?

In this throwback episode, we’re going underneath anxious attachment to explore what you might actually be attaching to when someone starts to feel impossible to lose.

We’ll talk about why someone pulling away can trigger the urge to chase, fix, or overgive, the questions that can help you uncover what’s underneath your attachment, and how to begin tending to yourself when the fear of losing them takes over.

Ready to finally learn how to build a safe and secure relationship alongside a community of 500 others doing this inner work together every week?

Click here and join the Codependency Alchemy membership!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com

Have you ever gotten into an argument wanting to feel understood, only to find yourself getting defensive, explaining yourself, or trying to prove your point?

In this month's guided Shadow Work + Inner Child Healing practice, we're exploring the fears beneath our protective responses, the younger parts of ourselves that show up during conflict, and what happens when letting our guard down doesn't feel safe.

Plus, an important conversation about when curiosity helps create connection and when curiosity alone isn't enough to make a relationship healthy.

🔒 This replay is available exclusively to paid Codependency Alchemy members.Click here to upgrade and unlock all the episodes.

Have you ever looked back at the way you acted in a relationship and thought… oh my god, was I the toxic one?

In this throwback episode, I’m sharing one of the most vulnerable stories I’ve ever told on the podcast: the situationship that exposed some of my deepest patterns around anxious attachment, codependency, overgiving, fear of abandonment, and trying to control connection.

We’re talking about what happened when someone else’s attention became responsible for how I felt about myself, the things I thought were “love” that were actually being driven by anxiety, and how this relationship ultimately became one of the greatest mirrors of my life.

Click here to learn more or join our Codependency Alchemy community on Substack.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com

What do you do when you can't tell if you're being triggered... or if something actually isn't working for you?

In this members-only AMA, we're talking about unmet needs, resentment, boundaries during conflict, being misunderstood after a breakup, grief + relief, fear of being alone, family estrangement, and learning to trust yourself when you desperately want someone else to tell you what the “right” answer is.

Plus, I share the very recent moment I caught myself feeling annoyed AF at Justin for not helping me... before realizing I hadn't actually asked him for help. 😅

🔒 This episode is exclusively for paid Codependency Alchemy members. Unlock this post and more when you upgrade your subscription.

Are you really good at taking care of everyone else... but wildly uncomfortable when someone tries to take care of you?

In this episode, I'm sharing what happened when Justin told me, “I'm going to take care of you,” and instead of simply feeling loved, it brought up fears around dependence, losing my freedom, being a burden, and eventually being resented.

We talk about hyper-independence, overfunctioning, the need to be needed, and what it can look like to stop carrying everything yourself and let the people who love you actually support you.

This episode is for you if…

* You’re the person everyone describes as strong.

* You rarely ask for help because you can probably just do it yourself.

* You deeply want to feel supported in your relationships but notice yourself becoming uncomfortable when someone actually steps in.

* You worry about being needy, dependent, or a burden.

Or you’ve ever thought: If I need too much from someone, eventually they might resent me for it.

Your invitation…

Take a moment to write the following shadow work prompt in the comments:

“If I let someone take care of me, then…” (what am I afraid will happen?)

Notice what comes to mind, and write it out. And if you want to go another layer deeper:

If that happened, what would I make it mean about me?

You don’t have to share what you write if you don’t want to, but I would love for you to at least give yourself the opportunity to witness what’s there by writing it for yourself.

If you want support practicing this in real time, the Codependency Alchemy membership is where we go deeper through live Shadow Work + Inner Child Healing sessions, monthly AMAs, community support, and our full library of guided practices that will help you learn how to build safe and secure relationships.

→Click here to learn more and subscribe on Substack

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com

Do you ever feel like you just need to know what’s going to happen before you can finally feel okay?

Maybe you're waiting to know if they'll come back, how much space they need, whether you made the right decision, or what happens next.

In this members-only Shadow Work + Inner Child Healing practice, we turn toward the part of you that feels unsafe in the unknown and explore what's underneath the need for certainty.

Bring a journal and something you're currently trying to figure out. This isn't an episode to simply listen to. It's a practice to move through with me.

🔒 Available exclusively to paid subscribers of Codependency Alchemy →Click here to learn more and subscribe

Join the membership to access the full guided practice, monthly AMAs, community support, and the entire members-only replay library.

Have you ever had a stressful week and suddenly everything your partner does starts getting on your nerves?

In this episode, I’m sharing one of the hardest weeks Justin and I have had in a long time and the two shifts that helped us stop treating each other like the enemy and start acting like teammates again.

We talk about stress, unmet needs, changing plans, self-abandonment, and how curiosity, compassion, and meeting your own needs can completely change the way you move through hard moments together.

Your invitation…

In the comments, write your responses to these questions. You don’t have to post, unless you’re open to being witnessed in them. But at least write them out for yourself…

What am I hoping to get from others that I’m not giving to myself?

And then:

What is one thing I can do today to begin giving that to myself?

If you want support practicing this in real time, the Codependency Alchemy membership is where we go deeper through live Shadow Work + Inner Child Healing sessions, monthly AMAs, community support, and our full library of guided practices that will help you learn how to build safe and secure relationships.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever chased connection until you felt rejected one too many times... and then suddenly found yourself pulling away?

In this episode, we’re exploring the push-pull pattern that happens when our attempts to feel safe accidentally keep the cycle going. I’m sharing how I learned to use distance to get connection, why we can move between chasing and withdrawing, and the question that helped me understand why the same relationship dynamics kept showing up in my life.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do I keep ending up in relationships like this?” this episode will give you a different question to ask.

This episode is for you if...

* You keep finding yourself in anxious/avoidant or push-pull relationships

* You chase connection until you feel rejected, then suddenly shut down

* You judge yourself for how you’ve behaved in past relationships

* You keep wondering why the same relationship dynamic follows you

Your invitation…

Instead of asking, “Why do I keep ending up in relationships like this?” try asking yourself:

“What is the lesson I’m being invited to learn when I find myself in this relationship dynamic?”

Actually write the answer down, and if you feel open to sharing, leave it in the comments.

Maybe this relationship isn’t proof that something is wrong with you. Maybe it’s illuminating something you’re finally ready to see.

And if you want to go beyond understanding the push-pull pattern and actually tend to the part of you living inside of it, last week’s members-only episode is a guided Shadow Work + Inner Child Healing practice specifically for this dynamic.

Click here to learn more and join our growing Codependency Alchemy community on Substack

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever had one of those days where you just don't feel like yourself?

Maybe you're more emotional, more sensitive, or more irritable than usual, and your first instinct is to wonder what's wrong with you.

In this episode, I'm sharing the simple practice that completely changed my relationship with myself. It helped me stop judging my emotions, recognize my patterns, and communicate my needs with more compassion in my relationship.

We'll talk about why understanding your body can be one of the greatest tools for emotional healing, how this practice has transformed my relationship with Justin, and why slowing down is sometimes exactly what your nervous system is asking for.

If you've ever felt like you're constantly trying to "fix" yourself, this episode is for you.

Your invitation…

If you know what day you are on, share it in the comments, along with anything you notice about how you feel today.

Mentioned in this episode…

* Taking Charge of Your Fertility (here are their free downloadable PDFs)

* Lively cycle tracking app

* What I have learned since tracking my cycle

If you’d like to go beyond understanding your patterns and actually practice healing them, inside the Codependency Alchemy Membership we come together each month for guided shadow work, inner child healing sessions, live AMAs, and a private community where you don’t have to navigate this work alone.

Click here to learn more and join our growing Codependency Alchemy community on Substack

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever felt jealous in your relationship... even though you genuinely trust your partner? In this episode, I’m sharing one of the most vulnerable stories I’ve told on the podcast.

A moment with Justin that brought up unexpected jealousy, led to one of the biggest ruptures we’ve experienced, and ultimately taught me that jealousy is rarely about what we think it’s about.

Together, we’ll explore what jealousy is actually pointing toward, why it often has very little to do with your partner, and how asking one simple question can help you move from reactivity to self-understanding.

In this episode, you’ll learn…

* The hidden fears that commonly live underneath jealousy

* How insecure attachment can shape conflict and repair

* The mistake I made when trying to repair too soon

* A shadow work question to help you understand what’s really happening beneath the trigger

This episode is for you if...

* You find yourself overthinking interactions between your partner and other people.

* Jealousy quickly turns into anxiety, anger, or self-doubt.

* You want to respond to triggers with more curiosity instead of shame.

Your invitation…

In the comments, share your reflections to this shadow work prompt:

When you felt jealous, what were you actually afraid would happen?

Then notice what lives underneath that answer. Jealousy isn’t asking to be judged, it’s asking to be understood.

You can read my original post from when this event happened here: "I don't want to be with you anymore"

If you’d like to go beyond understanding your patterns and actually practice healing them, inside the Codependency Alchemy Membership we come together each month for guided shadow work, inner child healing sessions, live AMAs, and a private community where you don’t have to navigate this work alone.

Click here to learn more and join our growing Codependency Alchemy community on Substack

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t let go of someone even though you knew the relationship was over? In this episode, I share one of the most powerful shadow work questions I’ve ever used to help uncover why it’s so difficult to move on after a relationship ends.

Together we’ll explore:

* why we attach our dreams to people

* how codependency keeps us trying to control the outcome

* what it really means to build inner safety after heartbreak

* a guided inner child healing practice to help you begin releasing the attachment without abandoning yourself.

Whether you’re navigating a breakup, struggling to let go of an ex, or simply noticing how tightly you cling to certain outcomes in relationships, this episode is an invitation to turn inward instead of chasing certainty outside yourself.

Because healing isn’t about getting someone back.

It’s about coming home to yourself.

What you’ll learn…

* Why letting go feels so difficult after a breakup

* How codependency fuels attachment

* One shadow work question that changes everything

* A simple inner child healing practice for building inner safety

* How to move from control toward self-trust

This episode is for you if...

* You’re struggling to let go of an ex

* You’re healing codependency or anxious attachment

* You want practical tools for moving through heartbreak

Your invitation

In the comments, take a moment to ask yourself this shadow work prompt:

What dream have I attached to this person?

Then notice:

* How do I feel when I believe that dream only exists with them?

* How would I feel if I didn’t believe that thought?

Sometimes what we’re grieving isn’t the relationship itself. It’s the story we’ve been telling ourselves about what our life can and cannot be.

If you’d like support exploring these patterns more deeply, you’re invited into the Codependency Alchemy membership, where we practice shadow work, inner child healing, and nervous system tools together through live sessions, monthly AMAs, and an ever-growing library of guided healing practices.

Click here to learn more and join our growing Codependency Alchemy community on Substack

*Was this episode supportive? If so, please like and share it with someone else who might need to hear these conversations. As always, thank you for your support in helping me in my mission of spreading awareness around codependency and healing the mother wound.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever caught yourself spiraling and thought, "Why am I doing this again?" This episode is about what happens when we stop trying to get rid of the pattern and start listening to what it's trying to tell us.

We explore why self-sabotage isn't actually the problem, how triggers point us toward unmet needs, and the powerful question that can completely change the way you relate to your patterns.

What you’ll learn…

* The question that helps you understand your triggers* How to identify what your patterns actually want and need* How shadow work helps us move through triggers with compassion

This episode is for you if...

* You struggle with self-sabotage* You judge yourself when old patterns resurface* You feel frustrated that healing isn’t happening “fast enough”

Your invitation…

Take a moment to ask yourself these questions and type them out in the comments (or write them in your journal). Just make sure do somehow do this reflection somewhere that isn’t just in your head, it’s important to witness ourselves in these contemplations.

What is one thing I keep doing that I wish I would stop doing?

Then ask:

* What does that part of me want?* What does that part of me need?* How would that part of me feel if it got that need met?

Notice what comes up, because maybe the pattern isn’t the problem. Maybe it’s showing you exactly where healing wants to happen.

If you’re wanting support exploring these questions more deeply, you’re invited into the Codependency Alchemy membership where we practice this work together through live shadow work sessions, inner child healing practices, monthly AMAs, and community support.

Click here to learn more and join our growing Codependency Alchemy community on Substack.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Why does silence feel so uncomfortable in relationships?

In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I explore the hidden reason many of us rush to fill the space when our partner gets quiet, withdrawn, or dysregulated.

In this episode, we explore:

- Why silence feels triggering

- The urge to seek reassurance

- External vs. internal processors

- How space creates deeper connection

- Emotional regulation in relationships

- Why trying to control someone else’s emotions creates more conflict

Your invitation...

Take a moment to ask yourself this shadow work prompt and share in the comments:

If you don’t fill the space… what are you afraid will happen?

Notice what comes up for you. Take time to actually write it out (or type it out)… even if you don’t hit post, the act of writing it out offers you a type of healing and witnessing that thinking it can’t give you.

And if you’re wanting a space to practice this kind of reflection in real time alongside others who are also learning how to soften, receive, and build more secure relationships, you’re always invited into the Codependency Alchemy membership on Substack.

It’s a space for shadow work, inner child practices, and honest conversations like this one… where you don’t have to do it alone.

You can click here to join as a free subscriber or upgrade your subscription to explore the membership for deeper support.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever done something “nice” for someone… but secretly felt exhausted, resentful, or unseen afterward? This episode is about the hidden relationship dynamic underneath that pattern.

After a conversation with my grandma about boundaries, family dynamics, and generational relationship patterns, I realized how many of us confuse self-sacrifice with love.

In this episode, we explore the subtle ways codependency shows up through overgiving, people-pleasing, and saying yes when it isn’t actually true for us.

Because sometimes the dysfunction in relationships isn’t just manipulation, guilt, or control.

Sometimes it’s abandoning ourselves to keep the peace.

What you’ll learn…

* Why saying yes when you mean no damages trust

* How over-giving creates resentment in relationships

* Why boundaries are actually acts of love

* How to ask for consent during difficult conversations

* The difference between responsibility vs. blame

* Why explaining your boundaries can signal dysregulation

This episode is for you if…

* You struggle to say no and over-give in relationships

* You feel guilty setting boundaries

* You secretly resent people after helping them

* You want healthier, more honest relationships

Your invitation…

Take a moment to reflect on this shadow work question:

If I say no or set a boundary… what am I afraid will happen?

Notice what comes up for you. Take time to actually write it out (or type it out)… even if you don’t hit post, the act of writing it out offers you a type of healing and witnessing that thinking it can’t give you.

And if you’re wanting a space to practice this kind of reflection in real time alongside others who are also learning how to soften, receive, and build more secure relationships, you’re always invited into the Codependency Alchemy membership on Substack.

It’s a space for shadow work, inner child practices, and honest conversations like this one… where you don’t have to do it alone.

You can click here to join as a free subscriber or upgrade your subscription to explore the membership for deeper support.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever pushed away support… even when you really needed it? This episode is about why receiving can feel so hard and what changes when we allow it.

This episode is a little different. I’m showing up in real time, without a script, in the middle of a season that has completely shifted me.

After losing a close friend and navigating multiple family health scares and loss, I found myself face to face with something I’ve worked on for years… my relationship to receiving.

In this episode, I share what grief has revealed about hyper-independence, codependency, and all the ways we push away support.

What you’ll learn…

* Why hyper-independence is often rooted in lack of trust

* How rejecting support shows up in subtle ways

* The connection between codependency and not receiving

* How allowing others to support you deepens connection

* What grief revealed about vulnerability and being held

This episode is for you if…

* You struggle to accept help or support

* You pride yourself on being “independent”

* You feel uncomfortable receiving love or care

* You tend to take care of others but not let them take care of you

Your invitation…

Take a moment to explore this shadow work prompt in the comments:

“If I receive support, love, or care… what am I afraid will happen?”

Notice what comes up. Remember, you don’t have to hit post or share it with anyone, but at least write it out to witness yourself.

If you want to go a little deeper, you can also ask:

* Where does that fear live in my body?

* How old does that part of me feel?

And if you’re wanting a space to practice this kind of reflection in real time alongside others who are also learning how to soften, receive, and build more secure relationships, you’re always invited into the Codependency Alchemy membership on Substack.

It’s a space for shadow work, inner child practices, and honest conversations like this one… where you don’t have to do it alone.

You can click here to join as a free subscriber or upgrade your subscription to explore the membership for deeper support.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever wanted something from your partner but didn’t actually say it? This episode is about why we do that and how it slowly breaks trust in our relationships.

This weekend, I caught myself in a pattern I’ve done many times before, and didn’t even realize I was doing it in the moment.

I was trying to get a need met without actually saying what I needed.

I was hinting, sweetening the deal, leaving things out… all to try to control the outcome instead of just being honest.

In this episode, I break down what it means to withhold truth in a relationship, how it quietly erodes trust and intimacy over time, and what happens when we choose vulnerability instead.

I also share what shifted in real time when I stopped the pattern and how it completely changed the experience.

What you’ll learn…

* What “withholding truth” actually looks like in relationships

* The subtle ways we try to control outcomes (without realizing it)

* How this pattern creates resentment and disconnection

* What it feels like on the receiving end of only receiving the partial truth

* How vulnerability builds safety and intimacy and what that can look like in our relationship

This episode is for you if…

* You hint instead of directly asking for what you want

* You try to control outcomes to avoid vulnerability

* You struggle to express your needs honestly

* You feel resentment when your needs aren’t met

* You want deeper trust and intimacy in your relationship

Your invitation…

Take a moment to practice healing the mother wound by being witnessed in the comments. Think of a recent time where you withheld the full truth…

* What truth were you withholding?

* What vulnerability was underneath that?

Remember, you don’t have to hit post if you’re not comfortable being witnessed in your share yet, but I invite you to at least type it (or write it) out for you to witness yourself.

If conversations like these resonate with you and you want to take this awareness to the next step, you’re welcome to join our Codependency Alchemy community on Substack where we practice these reflections together through prompts, discussions, and live calls.

You can click here to join as a free subscriber or upgrade your subscription to explore the membership for deeper support.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “If they would just do this differently, everything would be fine”?

This episode is about why that pattern keeps us stuck and the three questions that can shift the entire dynamic- and how it's completely changed the way I move through conflict in my relationship.

In this episode we explore:

* Why we hyperfixate on our partner during conflict

* The hidden attachment behind “I wish they would…”

* How codependent dynamics show up during arguments

* The 3 questions that interrupt blame cycles

* How vulnerability creates safety in relationships

* Why waiting for your partner to go first keeps you stuck

Your invitation…

Take a moment to practice this in the comments. Think of a recent conflict that’s come up for you in your relationship and ask yourself the following questions:

* What do I wish they would do?

* How would I feel if they did it?

* Am I giving that to them — or to myself?

I invite you to share in the comments, or if you’re in the Codependency Alchemy membership, you can share your reflections in our chat.

If this conversation resonates, you’re invited into the Codependency Alchemy community on Substack where we practice these reflections together through prompts, discussions, and live calls.

Click here to join as a free subscriber or the membership for deeper support.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Why do we create conflict when life is actually going well?

In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I unpack the “upper limit problem” — the unconscious pattern of sabotaging joy, abundance, and peace when they start to feel unfamiliar.

I share a real story of catching myself mid-spiral after an expansive workshop and the simple question that stopped me from creating unnecessary conflict.

In this episode, we explore:

- Why arguments aren’t really about the dishes

- How worry turns into criticism

- The 4 core fears that drive self-sabotage

- Why peace can feel unsafe to a dysregulated nervous system

- How to self-soothe instead of outsourcing reassurance

Your invitation…

The next time you feel the urge to criticize, argue, or spiral, ask yourself:

What happened right before this?

If this episode resonates, you’re invited into the Codependency Alchemy membership, where we practice this work in real time through daily prompts, reflections, and support as you grow your capacity for joy, safety, and self-trust.

Click here to upgrade and join the membership.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

You’re clear on what you want, so why aren’t you getting it?

There’s a painful in-between many of us find ourselves in: knowing what we want, and still not receiving it.

In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I revisit a simple but powerful analogy (we’re going to the ice cream shop) to explore why clarity alone isn’t always enough, and how settling for what doesn’t truly align can keep us stuck in relationships, jobs, or situations that drain us.

This is a conversation about discernment, self-trust, and learning how to stop accepting “vanilla” when your body is asking for chocolate.

What you’ll learn in this episode…

* Why knowing what you want doesn’t always lead to getting it

* How settling sends mixed signals to yourself (and the Universe)

* Why impatience and unworthiness keep us stuck

* How to stop accepting what you don’t actually want

This episode is for you if…

* You’re clear on what you want but keep getting something else

* You struggle with settling out of fear or impatience

* You’re practicing discernment in relationships or work

* You’re healing codependency or the mother wound

Your invitation…

I invite you to think about what your “chocolate ice cream” is. You might consider this as the type of relationship, job, or home you wish to have.

What is your chocolate ice cream?

Remember, try to get as specific as you can. Ask yourself:

How do I desire to feel? What do I value? In a relationship? In a job? In a home?

If this episode resonates, you’re invited to continue these conversations inside the Codependency Alchemy membership— a space where we practice witnessing the parts of us we neglect, or reject, building safety in our bodies through nervous system and somatic work, and generational healing together.

Click here to join or learn more

Subscribe over on Substack

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe