Empowered to Connect Podcast

Foster and adoptive parenting asks a lot of a marriage, and too often the marriage gets whatever is left at the end of the day. Licensed therapist Dr. Genee Francis of WinShape Marriage joins Jesse to talk through the most common sources of strain she sees, the grief that can sit quietly underneath this journey, and practical ways couples can protect their time, get on the same page, and build the village they need. Whether you're still filling out paperwork or years into parenting, this conversation is a reminder that caring for your marriage is part of caring for your kids.

Key Takeaways

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Lack of time, disconnection, and differences in parenting are the three biggest sources of strain Genee sees in foster and adoptive marriages, and they tend to build slowly before anyone names them.

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Grief is real on this journey (over infertility, the waiting, unmet dreams, and a child's own losses), and acknowledging it, ideally with a therapist who specializes in adoption, foster care, or attachment, helps couples stay healthy for the long haul.

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A thriving marriage needs more than two people. A care team, respite, trusted couples who've walked the road, and a faith community make it possible to protect time together and weather hard seasons.

Guest Bio & Links

Dr. Genee Francis is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Supervisor, dually licensed in Texas and Georgia, with over 19 years of experience specializing in complex developmental trauma, attachment, relationships, and family systems. She serves with WinShape Marriage, overseeing enrichment retreats and supporting content and programming, and she is a wife and mother of two sons.

Website: Make Us One Counseling

Social: Instagram @‌gfranlpc and Instagram @‌marriage_pour

Resources Mentioned

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WinShape Marriage

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Woven Retreat for foster and adoptive couples

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WinShape

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Cultivate Connection On Demand

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Connecting Practices Handbook

ETC Resources

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ETC Shop

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ETC Newsletter signup

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ETC Instagram

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ETC Facebook

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ETC YouTube

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ETC LinkedIn

After two decades in child welfare and trauma work, Amanda Purvis has a hard-won answer to how people stay in this work: put down the role of the healer and show up whole. She and Jesse talk about the weight of translating brain science into a formula, why systems change when people show up as whole people, and how modeling messing up and keeping boundaries sustains us. Amanda closes with the caregiver resiliency framework her team uses at All God's Children International.

Key Takeaways

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Believing we're the healer puts weight on us that isn't ours to carry. Being attuned to someone's journey differs from being responsible for it.

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Systems are made up of people. Showing up whole, and seeing the people in front of us as whole, is one of the most revolutionary ways to change a system.

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Lasting in hard work takes safe people, room to feel the anger and unfairness, boundaries, and the freedom to mess up and keep going.

Guest Bio & Links
Amanda Purvis leads the global impact team at All God's Children International, an organization that restores children who are alone to their families. Before that, she spent about eight years on the outreach team at the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development and helped bring TBRI to Colorado, and she's a foster and adoptive mom.
Website: All God's Children International
Social: Amanda on Instagram

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AGCI on Instagram

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AGCI on Facebook

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AGCI on TikTok

Resources Mentioned

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All God's Children International

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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What if the trust we struggle to give, to God, to people, even to ourselves, traces back to how our earliest needs were met? Counselor, author, and trainer Melinda Cathey joins Jesse to talk about how attachment shapes our ability to trust, why caregivers often have to start with their own stories, and what a corrective experience looks like for a child who has experienced stress, trauma, and adversity. This episode discusses faith openly: Melinda shares her Christian perspective and how attachment connects to trusting God, so it's a thoughtful, faith-forward conversation for anyone who loves a child who struggles to trust, or who has wrestled with trust themselves.

Key Takeaways

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Belief and trust are different things. Belief is cognitive (do I think you're telling the truth?), while trust is relational and only grows through experience with someone who has proven safe.

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The four attachment styles (Secure, Anxious Avoidant, Anxious Ambivalent, and Disorganized) shape how we relate to people and, for many, how we picture God. Change starts with awareness, then picking one skill to work on with a friend or therapist.

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Children who have experienced trauma need corrective experiences, not just corrected behavior. Caregivers do this work best when they've looked honestly at their own wounds first.

Timestamped Outline

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00:00 – Introduction: meet Melinda Cathey

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00:01 – Moving to Russia in 1992 and co-founding a transitional care program for young adults aging out of orphanages

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00:04 – The 10 to 15 percent of young adults she couldn't reach

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00:05 – Discovering Dr. Karen Purvis and TBRI

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00:11 – Why Melinda wrote Deeper Than Belief

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00:12 – Belief vs. trust

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00:16 – Faith and psychology: what each side gets wrong

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00:22 – Why healing starts with the caregiver

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00:27 – The attachment cycle and the four attachment styles

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00:40 – Corrective experiences for kids with hard beginnings

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00:45 – Dependency by design

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00:49 – Changing long-held patterns: awareness, "lights on," and picking one skill

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00:53 – An invitation for those with church wounds

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01:00 – Prayer and therapy: both/and

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01:06 – Advice for parents and pastors sharing faith with children who have experienced trauma

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01:09 – Final thoughts and wrap-up

Guest Bio & Links

Melinda Cathey is a counselor, trainer, and author of Deeper Than Belief. After moving to Russia as a missionary in 1992, she co-founded The Harbor, a transitional care program for young adults aging out of orphanages, and now trains caregivers and ministry partners around the world.

Website: Melinda Cathey at Orphanos

Resources Mentioned

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Deeper Than Belief by Melinda Cathey (from the publisher, Kirk House Publishers)

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Deeper Than Belief on Amazon (paperback)

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Deeper Than Belief on Amazon Kindle (e-book)

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Orphanos missions

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ETC's attachment cycle image (on Instagram)

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ETC's attachment cycle animation on YouTube

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ETC's attachment styles animation on YouTube

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FASD specialist and adoptive mom Sandra Flach joins Jesse to break down fetal alcohol spectrum disorder: what it actually is, why it hides behind behavior nobody understands, and why it's one of the most common and least discussed disabilities in foster care and adoption. Sandra shares her own family's diagnosis journey and the accommodations-based approach that finally helped her understand her sons instead of just managing their behavior. It's a conversation for anyone parenting a child whose brain might be working differently than expected, diagnosed or not.

Sandra Flach is co-founder of Justice for Orphans and an adoptive and kinship parent of six. After her own sons were diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome, she became a national voice on FASD, offering training, coaching, and a peer support community for foster and adoptive families.

Website: Justice for Orphans: FASD Training & Support

Key Takeaways

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FASD is far more common than most people realize (one in twenty people prenatally exposed to alcohol, up to seventy percent of kids in foster care), yet true diagnosis is rare because doctors are trained to look for facial features present in fewer than ten percent of cases.

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FASD symptoms overlap heavily with trauma and can look like willful defiance, but the brain difference is real: what looks like "won't" is usually "can't," especially around executive function, auditory processing, and daily living skills.

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The path forward is accommodation, not consequence: understanding a child's specific struggles (memory, impulse control, sensory processing) and adjusting expectations the same way we already do for visible disabilities.

Timestamped Outline

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00:00 – Introduction: meet Sandra Flach, adoptive and kinship mom, FASD specialist and advocate

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00:01 – FASD 101: how common it actually is, and why it's called an invisible disability

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00:08 – Getting a diagnosis: who can diagnose FASD, and why so few doctors do

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00:13 – Why the standard diagnostic criteria miss 90% of cases

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00:19 – Not a straight line: the "scribble" and FASD's scattered developmental profile

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00:28 – Why it's not that they won't, it's that they can't: executive function and the brain

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00:36 – The neurobehavioral approach: accommodations instead of consequences

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00:40 – "A child with brain damage": the reframe that changed how Sandra saw her sons

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00:46 – Grief, interdependence, and redefining what success looks like

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00:52 – Untangling shame, for parents, kids, and birth parents

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01:03 – The long view: daily living skills, connection, and "not yet" instead of "never"

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01:07 – Where to find Sandra: her support group, training, podcast, and a free gift

Resources Mentioned

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Justice for Orphans: FASD Training & Support

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Hope Community (Sandra's online FASD support group)

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The Adoption & Foster Care Journey podcast

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Sandra Flach's site (Soul Care Saturday devotional and free breath prayers download)

Call to Action (CTA)

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What does open adoption actually mean, and what happens when fear gets in the way of staying connected? Annie Iverson, adoptive mom of four and creator of Write It & Remember It, joins us to talk honestly about openness, boundaries, and the small, sustainable habits that keep birth family connections alive.

Episode Bullets

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Openness lives on a spectrum, from a card a few times a year to regular visits. There's no single "right" version of it.

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Three common misconceptions about open adoption: it means co-parenting, it's all or nothing, and it's mainly for the birth mom (it's really for the child).

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Keeping the child at the center means letting their questions, not the adults' comfort, drive the connection.

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A simple four-times-a-year rhythm (birthdays, a holiday, Birth Mother's Day, and one more) helps families stay consistent without overthinking it.

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"Something is better than nothing": an imperfect photo or a short text still counts as connection.

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Fear, of saying the wrong thing, of being judged, is often the biggest barrier, not logistics.

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If contact has faded or gone quiet, it's never too late to reach back out through the agency.

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Annie created Cards That Connect and the Birthday Interview Cards to make staying in touch simple and sustainable for other families.

Resources Mentioned

Write It & Remember It — Cards That Connect + Birthday Interview Cards

Birthday Interview Cards & Book

Digital Cards That Connect

Free Guide: Keeping the Connection After Placement (PDF)

Annie on Instagram

Promo code: CONNECT20 for 20% off (Annie's gift to ETC listeners)

Timestamps

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00:03:29 — What "openness" really means

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00:07:39 — Three misconceptions about open adoption

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00:16:20 — Keeping the child at the center (the birth mom & shoe-size story)

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00:21:43 — The four-times-a-year rhythm for staying consistent

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00:22:52 — "Something is better than nothing"

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00:32:18 — Fear as the biggest obstacle to staying connected

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00:34:06 — What to do when contact has faded

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00:41:52 — Letting go of the "hero" narrative

If this episode encouraged you, share it with another parent who needs to hear it. For more support on connected, trauma-informed parenting, check out our Connecting Practices Handbook and the Cultivate Connection course.

If bedtime in your house feels like a nightly negotiation, or you're the one lying in the dark at 2 a.m. wondering why nothing seems to work, this conversation is for you. Pediatric sleep consultant Allison Ezell spent years stuck between a sleep doctor telling her to sleep train and a TBRI therapist affirming the trauma-informed parenting she knew her son needed, unable to find anyone who could bridge the two. She eventually became the person she needed, and she's bringing that hard-won wisdom to us today.

What We Cover in This Episode

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The two building blocks of sleep science, sleep associations and sleep pressure, and why understanding sleep associations alone resolves most of the sleep struggles Allison sees.

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The difference between "putting a child to sleep" and "putting a child to bed," and why that distinction matters most for kids who wake in the middle of the night.

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A practical bedtime routine built around what a body actually needs to fall asleep: sensory input earlier in the evening, a warm bath or shower, real connection, and a small snack.

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How to build felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated, low-pressure exposure, and a gradual pullback method for weaning off sleep associations without a jarring overnight switch.

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A consistent, scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups, plus the red flags (frequent waking, restless legs, long sleep onset, excessive daytime sleepiness) that mean it's time to talk to a doctor.

Resources Mentioned

Dwell Pediatric Sleep

Allison Ezell on Instagram (@dwellpediatricsleep)

Timestamps

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00:00:37 — Allison's story: years of sleeplessness with her son, and how she became a pediatric sleep consultant

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00:05:03 — The two big buckets: trouble falling asleep vs. trouble staying asleep

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00:08:01 — Sleep science 101: sleep associations, explained through "the pillow"

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00:11:09 — "For a lot of parents, they are the pillow": why parents become the sleep association

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00:13:36 — Building a child's confidence and tolerance for separation

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00:20:35 — Why temperament and history change how a child responds to sleep

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00:22:45 — Sleep pressure, naps, and finding the right wake windows

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00:30:36 — What has to happen in the body to fall asleep: heart rate and body temperature

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00:33:07 — Building a bedtime routine: sensory input, bath or shower, connection, snack

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00:41:37 — Creating felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated exposure

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00:47:52 — The gradual pullback: weaning off unsustainable sleep associations

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00:53:07 — The scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups

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00:55:16 — Red flags that mean it's time to talk to a doctor

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00:59:47 — Allison's closing message: it's not selfish to want to fix your family's sleep

Connect Line

Have a question or topic you'd like us to cover? Send it to podcast@empoweredtoconnect.org

What if the parent report card you've been grading yourself on this whole time was never actually yours to fill out?

Episode summary bullets:

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Nicole Barlow, longtime foster and adoptive mom and one of our Cultivate Connection facilitators, shares how she went from feeling like a "rockstar" foster parent to realizing she was in way over her head.

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Why the peer-to-peer model at the heart of Cultivate Connection matters: none of us are exempt from putting these tools into practice in our own homes.

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The weight of being watched. Nicole opens up about neighbors, strangers, and offhand comments that shaped how she saw her own parenting.

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How Nicole's understanding of Scripture around obedience and discipline shifted over time (a perspective she shares from her own faith journey).

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Redefining success: from "my kids are compliant" to "does my adult child still call me, even from a hard place?"

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Why a compliant kid isn't always a regulated kid, and what Nicole wishes she'd noticed sooner in her own home.

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Dysregulation isn't disobedience: a look at fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and why repair matters more than perfection.

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Nicole and Jesse's honest conversation about social media, comparison, and the images of parenting we quietly measure ourselves against.

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Nicole's closing encouragement for any parent white-knuckling their way through this season: "It's not yours to carry."

Resources mentioned:

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Cultivate Connection On-Demand course: https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/cultivate-connection-on-demand

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Connecting Practices Handbook: https://empowered-to-connect.myshopify.com/products/connecting-practices-handbook-ebook-spiral

Timestamps:

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00:00 – Meet Nicole Barlow and her foster and adoptive journey

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09:53 – From "I've got this" to feeling completely in over her head

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18:13 – Faith, obedience, and the pressure of what other people think

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26:31 – What "successful mom" used to mean to Nicole, and what changed

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33:08 – Why her most compliant kid taught her the most about trauma

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39:07 – Redefining success as relationship, not response

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48:36 – Nicole's word for any parent white-knuckling it right now

Connect line: Find more trauma-informed parenting tools and connect with our community at http://empoweredtoconnect.org/ or follow along on Instagram @‌empoweredtoconnect.

Ever notice how a bedtime standoff, a backtalk moment, or a flat-out refusal can turn into you against your kid? Jesse sits down with Mo & Tona Ottinger for an honest look at what happens when parenting starts to feel like a competition, and why "winning" a moment can quietly cost you the relationship. This one includes real, unfiltered stories (including a New Year's Eve bedtime battle that's now family legend) and a simple mindset shift that changes how you handle the next hard moment.

What we cover in this episode

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Why parenting can start to feel like you're on opposite sides of the net from your own kid, and how to get back on the same team

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The difference between winning an interaction and being "rightly related," and why the second one matters more long term

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A real, unfiltered bedtime story about doubling down that went sideways (and the do-over that followed)

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What to do when your expectations and your child's needs are out of sync, especially with kids who struggle with big behaviors

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A simple practice for slowing the moment down mid-conflict so you can respond instead of react

Resources mentioned

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Cultivate Connection On Demand: ETC's parenting course, referenced for its "before, during, and after" framework

Connect with us

Have a question or topic you'd like us to cover? Send your idea to info@empoweredtoconnect.org

Some books change the way we see. Rhonda Roorda's In Their Own Voices did that for countless adoptive families, including our own here at ETC. In this episode, Rhonda returns to walk us through her debut memoir, Torn from the Root, and the four questions at its center: who was going to get hurt, what was it going to cost, who would be held accountable, and what hope could there be for repair. It is a tender, unflinching conversation about transracial adoption, the voice of the child within, and what it really takes to belong.

Listener-care note: this episode includes honest discussion of trauma, abuse, and mental health within the context of transracial adoption.

In this episode

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Why Rhonda turned the lens on her own story after decades of documenting others, and what it meant to listen to the little girl within her

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The four questions from her memoir that frame the whole conversation

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The history most adoptive families never hear, from the 1970 National Association of Black Social Workers statement to the research that shaped current policy

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How everyday language and labels shape a child's sense of identity and worth

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The difference between celebrating a child's culture and simply living near it

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A family "blueprint" approach to belonging, where every member is honored and advocated for

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What repair actually requires, starting with an honest audit of ourselves

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How nurture, in ETC terms, shows up in our words, our attention, and our follow-through

Resources

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Torn from the Root: A Memoir of a Black Transracial Adoptee by Rhonda M. Roorda (Temple University Press). Pre-order available now, releasing July 2026.

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In Their Own Voices, In Their Parents' Voices, and In Their Siblings' Voices, the landmark trilogy Rhonda co-authored with Dr. Rita J. Simon

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In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption, Rhonda's award-winning solo work

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Rhonda M. Roorda's website: https://rhondamroorda.com/

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Context referenced in the episode: the 1970 National Association of Black Social Workers position on transracial adoption, and the Multi-Ethnic Placement Act of 1994 with the Interethnic Adoption Provisions of 1996

You said it would be the last warning. You meant it this time. And somehow you are standing in the hallway with your voice raised, wondering how you ended up here again. If consequences have quietly become your first move, and you are starting to suspect they are not actually working, this conversation is for you.

What we cover in this episode

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Why a consequence is so often the first thing we reach for, and what that reach is usually really about

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What a quick consequence shuts down: the curiosity, the teaching, and your child's chance to learn what to do instead

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The difference between a punishment mindset and a loving limits mindset, and how each one handles power

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How the Faris and Ottinger homes actually deal with mistakes now, including the "consequence" the Faris’s friends could not believe was real

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Small, doable first steps if you want to lean on consequences less, starting with one question you can ask yourself in the moment

Resources mentioned

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Cultivate Connection (the on-demand parenting course where the Collaboration module lives): https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/cultivate-connection-on-demand

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Connecting Practices Handbook (ideas for giving voice, choices, and compromises): https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/connecting-practices-handbook-ebook

Summer is here, and Jesse and Tona are keeping it real: they love summer, and it also asks a lot of them. In this episode, they sit down (virtually, because summer pivots happen to hosts too) to talk honestly about what it actually feels like to parent through the loss of structure — and what it can look like to find your footing in the middle of the season.

They cover everything from the emotional load working parents carry when school lets out, to practical ideas for younger kids and teenagers alike. Whether your summer is high-energy or gloriously low-key, this conversation is a permission slip to stop trying to curate someone else's summer and start trusting your own.

In this episode:

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Why summer can feel like something you have to survive even when you love it

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The difference between structure and rigidity — and why predictable rhythms matter for kids

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Practical, low-cost ideas for younger kids

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The "summer of ___" concept for kids & teenagers

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Boredom tolerance as a regulation skill — and what to do when your child genuinely can't self-entertain

Resources & Mentions:

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ETC Summer Survival Kit

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Use Scaffolding - Free downloadable, Podcast Episode 90 & Episode 147, and we just wrote about this in our newest ETC Newsletter!

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The Lazy Genius Collective / Kendra Adachi

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Inside Out 2 (the character Ennui)

Why do kids lie, even when the truth would have been easier? This week, we’re replaying an oldie but a goodie: Let's Talk About Lying with Robyn Gobbel. Lying is usually about fear and felt safety, not character. This one will change how you respond.

Catch the replay! Mona is a Pediatric Psychologist and the author of Beyond Behaviors, among several other books. If you've ever read Beyond Behaviors, you know how brilliant she is! In this episode, we talk about the Brain - Body - Behavior connection and why it is absolutely essential for parents and caregivers to understand. Struggling with perplexing behavior in your home? This may be the episode you've been waiting for. We also talk about Mona's book that was published in 2022.

Wanna learn more from Mona? Buy her book Beyond Behaviors here, sign up for the Beyond Behaviors course Mona teaches here or head on over to her website to learn more about her there!

Episode 237 is live! ️

If someone you love is in the middle of a new placement (whether that's a newborn, a toddler, or a teenager), this one is for the people standing beside them.

Tona, Becca, and Jesse get practical about what it actually looks like to show up well for foster and adoptive families. Not just in the first week, but in the long haul.

What's the most meaningful thing someone did for you (or that you did for someone else) during a new placement?

Community can feel different when your parenting journey looks different. Sometimes your circle shifts. Sometimes it shrinks. And sometimes it stretches you in ways you didn’t expect.

But here’s what’s true: you are not the only one figuring it out as you go. Ask for help. Say the honest thing. Find people who truly get it, and hold onto the ones who love you even when they don’t fully understand.

Your community might not look how you imagined, but it can still show up for you, support you, and grow with you.

To learn more about Empowered to Connect, check out our website, follow us on social media and YouTube!

In this episode Becca, Jesse, and Tona walk us through what it looked like for them at the beginning of their parenting journey. Starting foster care, adoption, or any new parenting role can feel disorienting and overwhelming. It won’t always feel natural or easy, and you may not feel an instant connection. That’s normal! There will be stress, uncertainty, and moments where you question yourself, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. What matters most is showing up consistently, being willing to learn, and creating a sense of felt safety over time. You don’t have to be perfect to make a real difference. Your steadiness and presence is what builds trust.

To learn more about Empowered to Connect, check out our website, follow us on social media and YouTube!

Let’s talk about the “Wall Between Us”, the invisible, protective bricks we build from past hurt that quietly block connection with the people we love most. Our snapping, withdrawing, overreacting, and people-pleasing once protected us. But what if they’re now keeping us stuck? Healing doesn’t start with fixing our kids. It starts with noticing our own “shark music;” noticing what is keeping us from connection.

This conversation is about compassion over shame. Curiosity over judgment. And small, daily shifts that break generational cycles. Every brick you take down builds something better for the next generation.

To learn more about Empowered to Connect, check out our website, follow us on social media and YouTube!

What if connection is one of the most powerful tools in the classroom?

In this episode, Marti Smith and Amie Huggins join us to share about their new book The Connected Classroom and what they’ve learned working with educators inside real school systems. They talk about why building trust with students matters so much—and how connection creates the safety kids need to engage, learn, and grow.

If you’re a teacher, caregiver, or anyone who cares about helping kids thrive at school, this conversation offers practical encouragement and hope for creating classrooms where students feel safe, seen, and ready to learn.

To learn more about Empowered to Connect, check out our website, follow us on social media and YouTube!

Suppoort Amie and Marti by ordering their book. https://a.co/d/098ZnA1F

To reach Amie, check out the information below.

Website: http://www.amiehugginsconsulting.com/

Email: Amie.arhllc@gmail.com

Instagram: teacher_amie49

To reach out to Marti, check out the information below.

Website: http://www.creativetherapies.com/

Does your nervous system feel like it’s been in survival mode for a long time?

This episode is for you.

We sat down in person with Melissa Corkum to talk about burnout, blocked care, and why connection can start to feel like a shock instead of a reward.

A few takeaways:

✨ Emotional pain and physical pain activate the same parts of the brain.
✨ Blocked care isn’t a character flaw — it’s a protective response.
✨ You don’t heal it by trying harder. You start by caring for your own nervous system.

If you’ve felt resentful, numb, exhausted, or ashamed for not feeling the joy you “should,” you are not alone.

It won’t always feel this way.
Keep hope. Carry on. We’re with you.

For the Blocked Care Assessment, click here.

On this next part of our mini-series “When You’re Tired”, we reflect on being emotionally tired. It is the quiet exhaustion that comes from caring deeply, showing up consistently, and holding space for others. Dr. Archandria Owens and Jesse discuss naming and expressing emotions, unmet expectations, and explore gentle ways to care for ourselves when we are exhausted in this particular way.