The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos

Three questions this week, and I get personal on all of them.

Should you put an HSV2 diagnosis in your dating profile? I’ve had herpes for about five years, so I’ll tell you what’s actually happened to my dating life, what I say before sex, and the one thing Dan Savage told me that made it a non-issue.

Do men care about hemorrhoids, or what your vulva looks like, or the few pounds you’ve gained? I’m honest about this one instead of reassuring. I also found out hemorrhoids can be a pleasure thing, which nobody told me either.

And someone asked how my relationship to uncertainty has changed over the years. I’ve been thinking about my friend Josh, who got diagnosed in February and died in June. I’m scared about something in my own life right now, and I talk about what I do with that, which is mostly: relax, take it easy, one day at a time.

Mentions:

Good Sex Is Reciprocal with Dan Savage:
https://youtu.be/IeiACE2rGmg?si=4IdvOR9XKEDL-yaJ

Send me your questions at https://thelovedrive.com/ask/

Email: podcast@thelovedrive.com

Leave me a voicemail: 415-494-9559

Voicemails are my favorite.

Connect with me

Read my blog:
https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast:
https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More about Shaun:
https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee:
https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

I'm tired. This house renovation is taking a lot out of me, and I'm really looking forward to having more time and energy for the things I love. Including sitting down and having these conversations with you.

Today, I've got a handful of your questions, and they all seem to come back to the same thing. Sometimes people tell us exactly what they mean, and we keep looking for a different answer.

He says he loves you but can't commit. Is it the right person at the wrong time? If you're having doubts, does that mean something's wrong? And what happens when everything feels right, but you're still scared?

We get into mixed signals, commitment, rejection, long-distance relationships, and the fear of letting someone in.

I also share a few stories from my own experiences, and somewhere along the way, I stumble onto something I might need to unpack in therapy.

Maybe the hardest part of love isn't hearing no. Maybe it's accepting the answer we've been given.

And what if the thing you're most afraid of isn't rejection at all?

Leave a Listener Question 📞 415-494-9559 📧 ⁠podcast@thelovedrive.com⁠

Follow & Subscribe If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Connect with me:

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About me: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

Joe called in from Spain. She's 48, dating younger men, and she's noticed a pattern.

"I thought it was me. I thought it was a desirability thing, and I took it personally."

She isn't the problem.

We get into whether erectile dysfunction is an age thing, what's actually going on mechanically, why an erection can be an early warning sign for your heart, condoms, SSRIs, sleep, booze, nicotine, exercise, and the stuff that actually helps versus the stuff the internet sells you.

I also talk about my own libido, or lack thereof!

What should women understand about men and their bodies? And what's the kindest possible way to bring it up without it landing as shame?

Here's the short version: If you're a man and this is happening, it's your job to raise it. Stop making her do it.

It was never about the erection. It's about what happens when someone tries to talk to you about it. Do you shut down, get defensive, retaliate? Or can you say, "Thank you for telling me. I don't know how to talk about this, and I want to try"?

Only about 15% of my audience is men, so the guy who needs this probably isn't going to find it on his own. Send it to him. Your partner, your brother, your friend.

Mentioned in this episode

Want to go deeper? My full conversation with sex and relationship coach Laura Ramadei on performance anxiety, porn, and erectile dysfunction is on my Substack.

Listen to the full conversation here:
https://shaungalanos.substack.com/p/replay-porn-addiction-and-ed-with

Got a question?

Leave me a voicemail at 415-494-9559, and I might play it on the show!

Or submit your question here:
https://thelovedrive.com/ask/

Follow & subscribe

If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Connect with me

Read my blog:
https://shaungalanos.substack.com/

The Love Drive Podcast:
https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: @thelovedrive
https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More about me:
https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee:
https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

I don't think heartbreak is something we get over. It's something we move through. This episode is built around your questions: "I've cried in public more than once; should I just stay home?" (Fuck no.) "How do I stop ruminating when all my coping skills are gone?" And the comment that hit closest to home: "I really want to be chosen."

I discuss inviting your feelings in for tea and then putting a limit on them, why the person who hurt you can't be the person who heals you, playing the tape forward, why we keep wanting to be chosen by the exact people who can't choose us, and the friendship test for exes.

"God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open." – Hazrat Inayat Khan

Links:

Living with a broken heart
https://shaungalanos.substack.com/p/living-with-a-broken-heart

Can you really be friends with your ex?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7bGPBULarE

Coaching with me
https://thelovedrive.com/coaching

Connect with me:

Read my blog
https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast
https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun
https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee
https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

I’m back with new episodes, and I’m really happy to be here. The house isn’t ready yet, but I’m feeling better and I have a lot to share with you.

Today, I’m letting you in on a little of that life and answering your questions about ghosting, dental dams, trying new things in bed, and being curious about dating women. And if you’ve ever wondered how I decide what to share with you, there’s a lot you don’t hear and a reason I wait.

Leave a Listener Question

📞 415-494-9559 📧 ⁠podcast@thelovedrive.com⁠

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If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Connect with me

⁠Read the blog⁠

⁠The Love Drive Podcast⁠

⁠Instagram: @thelovedrive⁠

⁠More about Shaun⁠

⁠Buy me a coffee⁠

In this 2019 replay, I tell the story of my first real sex party and then the woman I met that night joins me to share her side.

It’s explicit, funny, tender, and ultimately a story about attraction, assumptions, communication, and finding the courage to say what you want.

New episodes return in October.

Have a question for the podcast?

Leave me a voicemail at 415-494-9559
Submit your question at http://thelovedrive.com/ask

Follow & Subscribe

If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Connect with me

⁠Read the blog⁠

⁠The Love Drive Podcast⁠

⁠Instagram: @thelovedrive⁠

⁠More about Shaun⁠

⁠Buy me a coffee⁠

(Replay from 2020)

What happens when one person wants sex more often than the other?

In this conversation with sex educator Kai Werder, we talk about mismatched libidos, responsive vs. spontaneous desire, how to talk about sex without pressure, and why intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex.

We also get into scheduling play, creating the conditions for desire, and the three-part invite—one of my favorite ways to ask for what you want while making room for a no.

New episodes of The Love Drive return in October.

Got a question for the October Q&As?
https://thelovedrive.com/ask/

Further reading

Come Together - Emily NagoskiCome As You Are - Emily Nagoski
Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel

Also mentioned

Authentic Seduction Skills with Dr. Alison Ash — this is where I learned the three-part invite.
Listen to Authentic Seduction Skills with Dr. Alison Ash

Follow & Subscribe

If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Connect with me

Read the blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com
The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/
More about me: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

I'm sharing some of my favorite episodes throughout September, and this replay is a peek into a part of my life I don't talk about very often: my time giving erotic massage to women in San Francisco.

A friend asks me how it started, what actually happened in those sessions, and what it eventually cost me. About a third of my clients cried on the table. Most of them weren't starved for sex. They were touch-starved, and I don't think that's changed much.

We talk about touch, trust, and what can happen when you let yourself receive without giving anything back. There's a turn about halfway through. I'm not going to spoil it.

This is a replay from 2019. New episodes return in October. Got something you want me to answer in a future Q&A? Leave it at https://thelovedrive.com/ask/

Mentions: Aphrodite's Daughters Book

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If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Connect with me

⁠Read the blog⁠

⁠The Love Drive Podcast⁠

⁠Instagram: @thelovedrive⁠

⁠More about Shaun⁠

⁠Buy me a coffee⁠

I’ve missed being here. The last month has taken me somewhere I wasn’t quite expecting, and I wanted to check in and tell you a little about where I’ve been.

This week is a little life update on what I’ve been building, why I’m giving myself a little more time before coming back with new episodes, and what this season of my life is starting to look like.

I’m also sharing what’s next for The Love Drive - and why I’m more excited than ever about where this podcast is headed.

For now, consider this a little update from me before we get into three of my favorite episodes from the Love Drive archives.

Connect with Shaun:

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

On July 13th, I lost one of my dear friends. Josh Kalven was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive cancer in March and died four months later. He was a husband, a dad to a five-year-old, and a sweet friend.

This episode is a eulogy. I read Josh the letter I wrote him in June, back when we still thought he'd beat it. It's full of stuck ropes, bad slab, his famous hummus sandwich, and everything he taught me about climbing and friendship. And I talk about grief. What losing my dad, my dog, and now Josh has taught me. How devastating it is, and, if you can find it, how beautiful.

Grief is unexpressed love. Maybe. It's also expressed love.

If there's someone you love who doesn't know it, and an email you've been meaning to send, let this be your invitation to send it.

I'm taking August off to move into the new place and rest, so this is the last episode until September. If it touches you, share it with someone who needs it. And I'd love to hear from you. Leave me a voicemail at 415-494-9559 or an email at podcast@thelovedrive.com. Take good care of yourself and the people you love.

Connect with Shaun:

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

The manosphere thinks going down on a woman is gay, submissive, or a low-return waste of time. It's wrong on all three — so I brought in an expert to help me prove it.

In this crossover episode — Shameless Love — I sit down with sex educator Amy Baldwin from the Shameless Sex podcast for an honest, explicit, and useful guide to going down on women. We take apart the manosphere nonsense, then get practical: how to get out of your head as a receiver, real anatomy (yes, Amy brought a vulva puppet), hygiene without the shame, communication that actually works, and my field-tested tips for being great at this — plus a rapid-fire hot-or-not round to finish.

Ten years ago I wrote a blog called What Women Wish You Knew About Eating Pussy. Consider this the 2.0.

Explicit. Headphones recommended.

Mentioned in this episode

• She Comes First — Ian Kerner

• Emily Nagoski ("same parts, organized differently")

• Dan Savage

• Midori — the "pussy hug"

• Feeld (dating app) · Uberlube

• Amy's book, Shameless Sex

• What women wished you knew about eating pussy blog post

Links

• Shameless Sex: podcast + https://www.shamelesssex.com/ (couples retreats, Oct 2026)

Connect with Shaun

Read the blog

The Love Drive Podcast

Instagram: @thelovedrive

More about Shaun

Buy me a coffee

A listener asks whether to move back to somewhere familiar or take a leap somewhere new. Shaun uses the question to explore something bigger: how do you make peace with a life you can't predict?

In this episode: finding community after a move, the "third space" concept, why it took two years to find his people in Montreal, what Flagstaff taught him, and why every choice — city, relationship, kids, career — requires you to grieve the road not taken.

Books mentioned:

• The Untethered Soul— Michael Singer
• Meditations for Mortals— Oliver Burkemam

Work with Me

I have room for 3 new coaching clients. If this episode resonated — this is exactly the work we can do together.

https://www.shaungalanos.com/coaching or https://shaungalanos.substack.com/p/love-and-relationship-mentorship

Leave a Listener Question

📞 415-494-9559 📧 podcast@thelovedrive.com

Connect with me

Read the blog

The Love Drive Podcast

Instagram: @thelovedrive

More about Shaun

Buy me a coffee

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If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Jess Janz is a writer, community facilitator, and the founder of Dinner With Strangers - a project that has brought over a thousand people together for a meal with one rule: no one talks about what they do for work. Her book, The Table Where We Meet, is out July 14th.

We set out to talk about platonic love and ended up somewhere more personal - about what it actually means to bid for connection with a stranger, what gets in the way of letting people in, and what happens when someone turns the big scary light on and decides to stay anyway.

In this conversation: why we project entire futures onto people we've known for five minutes, the grief of nine years of building something and not knowing where you end and the project begins, why friend breakups are so hard to mourn, and the small everyday acts that are actually love stories - if only we'd name them.

What We Cover

1. Why we are obsessed with romantic love over platonic love - and what that costs us

2. How Dinner With Strangers works, and why removing the agenda is what makes connection possible

3. Projection: narrating entire futures onto strangers in coffee shops before they have introduced themselves

4. Bidding for connection - small honest signals and whether they get returned

5. Jess answers "how are you" honestly - fear about the book, and not knowing who she is outside the work

6. Identity tied to vocation and the danger of losing yourself in what you have built

7. The loneliness of being single while creating - no one to debrief with at the end of the day

8. The big scary light - what it means to be truly seen, and what is actually more terrifying: rejection or acceptance

9. Friend breakups - no script, no closure, no culturally sanctioned way to grieve

10. How to actually build community - ritualizing friendship and why getting out of your comfort zone is the only answer nobody wants to hear

About Jess Janz

Jess Janz is a writer, poet, and community facilitator based in Toronto. She is the founder of Dinner With Strangers, a gathering project that has brought over 1,000 people together across North America for meals where no one talks about what they do for work. She has hosted events for lululemon, Pinterest, Wealthsimple, and The W Hotel, among others.

Her debut book, The Table Where We Meet: Lessons Learned From Dinner With 1,000 Strangers, is out July 14, 2026. She also writes a Substack called Gentle Company.

Connect with Jess

Instagram: @jessjanz

Website: jessjanz.com

Pre-order the book: jessjanz.com/book

Substack: Gentle Company

Connect with Shaun

Read the blog

The Love Drive Podcast

Instagram: @thelovedrive

More about Shaun

Buy me a coffee

This week's episode is a tender one. I recorded this on Father's Day — three years after losing my dad — and I'm reading my Substack essay Living with a Broken Heart and riffing on what it means to keep showing up, keep feeling, and keep choosing love even when it costs you.

I also make a correction from EP17, share a few quotes that have been sitting with me, and offer some practical tips on how to actually live with a broken heart — not just survive it.

In This Episode

•

A raw check-in: Father's Day, grief, and why I showed up to record anyway

•

Correction from EP17 (What is Love?) on Ho'oponopono — what it actually is, and why it matters

•

I read my essay: Living with a Broken Heart

•

6 tips on how to live with a broken heart

•

I have room for 3 new coaching clients

Quotes

"God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open." — Hazrat Inayat Khan

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it stays open." — attributed to Rumi

"Maturity happens when we learn to hold ambiguity: emotions that contradict each other, that don't quite make sense together. So maybe as we grow up, we get better at smiling when we cry, dancing as we grieve, being kind when we lose our shit." — Max Vallot

"I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I must be growing." — Unknown

Books Mentioned

•

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents — Lindsay C. Gibson

•

The Road Less Traveled — M. Scott Peck

•

No Bad Parts — Richard Schwartz

A Note on Ho'oponopono

In EP17, I referred to Ho'oponopono as a prayer, meditation, or mantra. That was incorrect. Ho'oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice with deep cultural roots and strict protocols around who can practice it and how. It's not a phrase or a technique — it's a process for restoring harmony within a family, traditionally facilitated by a trained elder.

A listener and Love Camp alumna who works closely with this community took the time to write me a generous and educational correction, and I'm really grateful. The resources below are a good place to start if you'd like to learn more.

Start here:

•

Kekoa Kealoha on Ho'oponopono and The Pitt — A Kanaka Maoli content creator and activist responds to a "Ho'oponopono poem" featured in the HBO show The Pitt. Accessible, contemporary, and worth 2 minutes of your time.

•

Moʻo ʻŌlelo: Moʻolelo Hoʻoponopono with Aunty Lynette Paglinawan and Kaʻaiʻai Paglinawan — A grounded, primary-source conversation about what Ho'oponopono actually is.

•

Talk Story with Aunty Lynette: What Is The Hawaiian Way? — Not specifically about Ho'oponopono, but a beautiful introduction to Hawaiian worldview and values.

Go deeper:

•

Hoʻopono: Mutual Emergence — Dr. Meyer

•

Nānā I Ke Kumu: Look to the Source — Foundational texts on Hawaiian worldview, culture, history, and practice

Work with Me

I have room for 3 new coaching clients. If this episode resonated — heartbreak, grief, fear of love and intimacy, learning to set boundaries or make requests for your needs — this is exactly the work we can do together.

Book here or email me for more information.

https://shaungalanos.substack.com/p/love-and-relationship-mentorship

Leave a Listener Question

📞 415-494-9559 📧 podcast@thelovedrive.com

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If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

I've been thinking a lot about why so many men end up looking for belonging in all the wrong places.

This conversation starts with the manosphere, but it quickly becomes something much bigger. Laura Ramadei and I talk about why so many boys and men are starving for connection, why "fix yourself" advice so often misses the point, and how loneliness can make almost anyone vulnerable to people selling certainty.

We get into emotional safety, friendship between men and women, why relational skills matter far beyond dating, and why being seen for who you are will always be more valuable than chasing status, money, or someone else's definition of success.

I also share some of my own experience with validation, why I spent years looking for it in sex and relationships, and what I'm still learning about opening my heart instead of protecting it.

This one's about choosing connection over performance. Mess and all.

Mentioned in this episode

Louis Theroux – Inside the Manosphere (Netflix)

https://www.netflix.com/tudum/articles/louis-theroux-inside-the-manosphere-release-date-news

"Small Hands, Big Heart" (Girthmaster & Small Hands parody)

https://www.facebook.com/61556509147521/videos/small-hands-big-heart-smallhands/1157398549907361/

Girls on Porn Podcast

https://www.girlsonporn.com/

About Laura Ramadei

Laura Ramadei is a sexologist and intimacy coach. She's the Safety Director at one of Los Angeles' most prominent play parties and the host of the Girls on Porn podcast.

Laura works with individuals, couples, and groups, specializing in relationship counseling, desire discrepancy, non-monogamy, queer identity, and kink.

Connect with Laura

Website https://www.intimacywithlaura.com/

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/intimacywithlaura/

Substack https://intimacywithlaura.substack.com/

Connect with Shaun

Retreats and latest offerings: https://bit.ly/m/thelovedrive

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

What is love? It's a question I've never seriously stopped to answer — and one that's surprisingly hard to get at.

In this solo episode, I share reflections from Love Camp, a retreat I hosted for 25 people, where only one participant raised their hand when asked if they had positive loving role models growing up. I explore what love actually looks like in practice — not the grand gestures we're sold, but the quiet, boring, mundane acts of showing up.

I read a letter I wrote to myself, share an email from my friend Kathy, and read some of my favorite quotes on love from M. Scott Peck and Rainer Maria Rilke — plus a Hawaiian prayer to close.

This episode won't give you a clean answer. But it might help you live the question a little better.

If you've ever found yourself asking what love actually is, why it hurts, or whether you're doing it right, this one's for you.

Maybe the answer isn't something we figure out.

Maybe we live our way into it.

Listener question from Sarah in British Columbia, Canada.

Featured quotes:

M. Scott Peck "Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."

Rainer Maria Rilke "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

Connect with Shaun:

Retreats and latest offerings: https://bit.ly/m/thelovedrive

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

There is life after betrayal. It might not feel like it right now, but there is.

My guest today is Lauren LaRusso, a licensed therapist and the author of Beyond Infidelity, a book she wrote after living through betrayal herself. Then she discovered the infidelity, and everything split into a before and an after.

We talk about why infidelity is a trauma, not just a relationship issue, how being gaslit by someone you love can make you stop trusting yourself, and why the reaction you’re having probably isn’t “too much.” It’s grief. It’s shock. It’s your body trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.

We also get into the myths that don’t help — “happy people don’t cheat,” “if it were me, I’d leave immediately,” and “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Lauren brings so much nuance to the messy middle: staying, leaving, repair, shame, self-soothing, emotional maturity, and learning to live with answers you may never get.

This one is for anyone who’s been betrayed, anyone who’s betrayed someone else, or anyone trying to understand how love, devastation, anger, and hope can all live in the same body.

Find Lauren:

Website: https://www.laurenlarusso.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/laurenlarusso

Book: Beyond Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Infidelity-Turn-Relationship-Beginning/dp/B0F3W9ZKP2

Connect with Shaun:

Retreats and latest offerings: https://bit.ly/m/thelovedrive

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

What if the sex is awkward, but the connection is actually really good?

This week, I’m answering a listener question about dating someone new after years of being mostly single - someone kind, compatible, emotionally available… and a little nervous in bed. Fun! Humbling! Slightly confusing!

I get into whether sexual compatibility has to be there from the start, how to tell the difference between someone who’s shut down and someone who’s simply inexperienced, and why nervousness doesn’t have to mean immaturity or incompatibility. Sometimes it just means: new person, new body, new dynamic, new reps. I also talk about kissing, giving feedback without making someone feel like a project, and why asking for what you want in bed is not as obvious as people pretend it is.

And yes, I start with a personal update. I’m in a very real in-between place right now - with love, work, grief, anxiety, medication, and the annoying little fact that I don’t currently have clear answers.

Maybe you don’t either.

Mentioned in this episode: Clarity & Connection by Yung Pueblo

Connect with Shaun:

Retreats and latest offerings: https://bit.ly/m/thelovedrive

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

Most adults in the world carry the virus that causes herpes. Most of them don't know it. And the shame around it is doing more damage than the virus.

This week I sit down with Debbie Barish, DNP, MS, WHNP-BC — a board-certified women's health nurse practitioner with 32 years in sexual and reproductive health — for a no-shame, no-bullshit conversation about herpes (both HSV-1 and HSV-2). We get into what it actually is, how it's actually transmitted, why your standard STI panel doesn't test for it, what suppression therapy can (and can't) do, how to talk about it with a partner, and why this one virus carries so much more shame than other, often more serious, STIs.

I also share my own diagnosis story for the first time on the show.

We cover:

•

What HSV actually is — and the difference (or lack of one) between HSV-1 and HSV-2

•

Why most new genital herpes cases today are HSV-1

•

How transmission really happens, and why 70% of cases come from people who don't know they have it

•

Why HSV is not part of a standard STI panel — and the one situation where a blood test is actually useful

•

What a first outbreak feels like, and how to take care of yourself through it

•

Suppression therapy: how it works, how effective it is, what the side-effect profile actually looks like

•

Disclosure: when to tell a partner, how to say it, and what to do if they react badly

•

Why herpes carries the stigma it does — and where that stigma comes from

•

HSV in pregnancy

•

Debbie's own diagnosis story (including a 26-year-later reunion with the firefighter who gave it to her)

Resources mentioned:

•

World Health Organization — Herpes simplex virus fact sheet — global stats and overview

•

Washington University in St. Louis HSV research — Debbie's go-to source for current, accurate herpes information

•

American Sexual Health Association (ASHA) — US, but the patient-facing info is universal

•

Planned Parenthood — STI information — US-based, info applies globally

•

SF City Clinic — STI-specialized clinic in San Francisco (model for what to look for locally)

If you're outside the US: Search for your country's national sexual health service. In the UK, Terrence Higgins Trust and the NHS herpes page. In Australia, Better Health Channel or Family Planning Australia. In Canada, Sex & U. Most public health systems have free or low-cost sexual health clinics — use them.

Find Debbie: @thenewdebbieb on Instagram — where she posts zines and art journals about sexual and reproductive health.

Citation for the transmission number: The 50% figure I give at the end of the episode is from Corey et al., 2004, New England Journal of Medicine — the landmark study on daily valacyclovir as suppression therapy for HSV-2 transmission. Read the study here.

Heads-up: This episode talks openly about shame, self-image after diagnosis, and mental health. If those topics are heavy for you right now, take care of yourself listening.

Connect with Shaun:

Retreats and latest offerings: https://bit.ly/m/thelovedrive

Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com

The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/

More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

Someone recently told me I wasn't too complicated to love and it inspired me to explore the ways in which we keep ourselves small rather than dare to show up for love.

This one's a pep talk about the lie we tell ourselves: that we have to lose the weight, get the job, finalize the divorce, heal more, become our "best self" before we deserve to be loved. The goalpost always moves. The waiting isn’t about the conditions, it’s about the fear of being seen as unfinished and unloveable.

I get into the honest exception of when waiting actually is the wise call, why "ready" is usually code for something else, and what to do when you realize the person who only wants the polished version of you was never going to stay anyway.

I hope you enjoy it.

In this episode:

• The fear of being “too complicated” to love

• Why “I’ll date when…” is often fear dressed up as self-improvement

• The moving goalpost of readiness

• Being seen in transition, mess, grief, uncertainty, and change

• The difference between acute crisis and ordinary human messiness

• Why capacity matters more than perfection

• How relationships can help heal the parts of us we keep trying to fix alone

• Dating with roommates, anxiety, career uncertainty, body insecurity, and unfinished business

• The danger of comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides

• Why the right person doesn’t need you smaller, simpler, richer, or more healed

Coming up

Next guest episode — Debbie Barrish, sexual and reproductive health nurse practitioner, on everything we get wrong about herpes. Her journey, my journey, how to protect yourself, how to talk about it. Maybe the most honest STI conversation I've had on the show.

Next solo episode — the flip side of this one. A listener question about a guy she's been seeing: great connection, real long-term potential, but the sex feels awkward and he's clearly in his head. He's just out of a 15-year relationship where intimacy never deepened. She's wondering: is this workable? How long do I give it? How do I invite him into more without making him feel bad? And the question I cannot wait to answer — can you actually teach an adult to be a better kisser?

Send Shaun your questions at +1 (415) 494-9559 or email him at podcast@thelovedrive.com. Voicemails and voicememos are preferred, but texts/emails are OK too.

To submit a guest, please do so here: ⁠⁠https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/⁠⁠

If you’re listening on Spotify or watching on YouTube, please leave a comment. Shaun loves hearing from you. And leave a review wherever you listen.

Connect with Shaun:

Love Camp:⁠https://shaungalanos.substack.com/p/summer-camp-isnt-just-for-kids-love⁠

Retreats and latest offerings: ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/m/thelovedrive⁠⁠

Read my blog: ⁠⁠https://shaungalanos.substack.com⁠⁠

The Love Drive Podcast: ⁠⁠https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/⁠⁠

Instagram: ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/⁠⁠

More About Shaun: ⁠⁠https://shaungalanos.com/about/⁠⁠

Buy me a coffee:⁠⁠https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive⁠⁠