The RISE to Intimacy Podcast | Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy &amp; Relationships

Upcoming 6-Week Live Online Couples Relationship Boot Camp

Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire

Nov 3, 2026 22 min

Saying Yes When You Mean No Is Building Resentment

Episode 42

Show notes

You say yes to something your partner asks, even though you really want to say no. Maybe you're trying to avoid an argument, or you're worried they'll be disappointed or upset with you. So you tell yourself it's not a big deal and agree anyway. It feels like the easiest choice in the moment, especially when you don't know how your partner might react if you were honest.

The wish that you'd said no doesn't just disappear, though. Each time you agree to something you don't really want, a little more resentment can build until one day, something small pushes you over the edge. Your partner is completely caught off guard because you've been telling them everything is fine. They've been taking your yes at face value, while you've been assuming they should have known you didn't mean it.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how these small, unspoken noes can quietly create resentment in your relationship. We'll look at the difference between saying yes because you genuinely want to and saying yes because you're bracing for your partner's reaction. I also share five steps to help you start being more honest about what you want and give your partner the opportunity to respond to what you're actually feeling.\

1:36 – The most common response for why clients let their resentment silently build

4:59 – How saying yes to avoid conflict can end up costing you peace and add to your resentment

7:03 – Two reasons why we say yes in a relationship, and how each impacts your partnership

9:16 – The many reasons behind the unspoken no

10:39 – Check your reason before you respond by asking yourself this question first

11:13 – Beyond the yes or no choice: the in-between answers that take the pressure off

11:48 – How to practice saying no in low-stakes situations

13:29 – How to bring up a no you’ve been holding for a while without making it sound like an accusation

13:57 – What to do when you’re genuinely saying yes to something

14:28 – Two reactions when your partner tells you they’ve been holding things in, and how to react without derailing the conversation

Mentioned In Saying Yes When You Mean No Is Building Resentment

Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It

How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage

Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You're Not Actually Criticizing Them

Upcoming 6-Week Live Online Couples Relationship Boot Camp

Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You're Not Actually Criticizing Them

Oct 27, 2026 18 min

How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down

Episode 41

Show notes

You're struggling with your sex life, you're desperately missing your partner, and every time you try to talk about it, they change the subject, get irritated, or simply stay silent. Eventually, you stop bringing it up, even though the wanting hasn't gone away. In that silence, your mind starts filling in the gaps with assumptions you haven't checked for accuracy, leaving you wondering whether you're incompatible, whether your partner still loves you, or whether this is the beginning of the end.

When your partner won't talk about sex, it's easy to start treating their silence as proof that something is wrong with your relationship. You may not realize how much your own beliefs about sex and compatibility are shaping those conclusions, or that your partner may be carrying an entirely different story about what's happening between you. Meanwhile, you may be grieving the sexual connection you once had, or the one you hoped you'd have together, while still sharing your everyday life with your partner.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how our beliefs about sex and compatibility shape the way we respond when intimacy becomes difficult, and why your partner might be avoiding the conversation altogether. I share ways to recognize and reframe the assumptions you're making so you can approach your partner with more curiosity and less pressure. We also talk about the grief that can come with losing sexual connection and how to think about the future of your relationship if you've made a genuine effort to address what's happening and your partner still won't engage.

2:28 – The beliefs about sex and compatibility that shape your response when intimacy gets difficult

4:16 – Treating your partner's silence as evidence that your relationship is failing

5:04 – What research reveals about sexual satisfaction and believing your sex life can improve

6:28 – The fears that may be making conversations about sex difficult for your partner

7:55 – Recognizing and reframing the assumptions you're making about your partner's silence

9:11 – Inviting your partner to talk about sex without creating pressure

10:32 – Grieving the loss of sexual connection while you're still together

12:41 – Deciding whether you're sexually incompatible when your partner won't discuss your sex life

14:06 – Setting boundaries and considering whether you can still feel fulfilled in your relationship

Mentioned In How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down

How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy

The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships

Upcoming 6-Week Live Online Couples Relationship Boot Camp

Oct 20, 2026 17 min

Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them

Episode 40

Show notes

You bring up something small with your partner. Maybe it’s the trash that still hasn’t gone out, something they shared in front of friends, or a moment where you felt dismissed. You’re trying to talk about one specific thing, and suddenly you’re hearing, “I can’t do anything right.” When your partner gets defensive like this, the conversation can quickly shift away from what you were actually trying to address.

Sometimes the way something is brought up does matter. Leading with “you always” or “you never,” criticizing your partner’s character, or telling them how they made you feel can set them up to go on the defense. Other times, even when you bring something up carefully, your partner may still experience the complaint as a threat to who they are, and that can show up as denying, rationalizing, shutting down, or moving into a shame spiral.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why defensiveness can take over a conversation even when you’re trying to communicate carefully. I talk about the difference between a complaint and a criticism, what happens when feedback starts to feel like a threat to your sense of self, and how attachment can affect the way you respond. I also share what each of you can do differently so the original concern actually gets addressed instead of turning into a second conflict layered on top of the first.

3:41 – Tone and delivery mistakes that can put your partner on the defensive

5:00 – The difference between a complaint and a criticism

7:59 – When defensiveness causes the original issue to get lost

10:46 – “Spitting versus chewing” and reflexively rejecting feedback

11:50 – What a shame spiral looks like in a relationship

15:54 – Identity threat and why feedback can feel personal

16:46 – Anxious and avoidant attachment responses to feedback

18:52 – Acknowledgment, validation, and mirroring to reduce defensiveness

Mentioned In Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them

How Erectile Dysfunction Is a Nervous System Response

Oct 13, 2026 27 min

Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection

Episode 39

Show notes

You can be talking to your partner about the same relationship and interpret the conversation completely differently. I learned that recently when I told my partner, Dallas, I was feeling disconnected and found out he heard that very differently than I intended it. Neither of us knew there was a misunderstanding until we actually talked about what that word meant to each of us.

While I spend my days talking about sex and relationships as a couples therapist, Dallas didn’t grow up talking about feelings and certainly didn’t learn to do it during his time in the Marine Corps. We have very different levels of comfort with some of these conversations, so we’ve had to keep talking through what we each mean and what we need from each other.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, Dallas joins me to answer relationship questions about sex and connection from Reddit. We start with aftercare and what partners may need from each other after sex, then get into emotional connection and why deeper conversations can feel so uncomfortable. We also share how these conversations have shown up in our own relationship and what we’ve learned from having them together.

1:13 - Answering Reddit relationship questions with Valerie’s partner, Dallas

3:06 - What aftercare can look like and how to ask your partner what they want after sex

6:06 - How Valerie and Dallas realized they meant very different things by “feeling disconnected”

10:02 - What someone may mean when they need emotional connection before sex

13:26 - Can you get an avoidant partner to have deeper, more honest conversations?

15:45 - How Dallas became more comfortable talking about feelings and vulnerability

18:41 - Why difficult conversations trigger defensiveness and how responding gently can build trust

19:51 - What happened when Dallas shared something deeply vulnerable with Valerie

22:19 - How deeper communication changed the way Dallas experiences their relationship

Mentioned In Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection

Oct 6, 2026 24 min

Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship?

Episode 38

Show notes

You found porn on your partner’s phone, and now you’re wondering if watching porn is cheating or if you’re overreacting. Or maybe you’re the one whose partner found it, and you genuinely don’t understand why something you never considered cheating suddenly feels like betrayal to them. Either way, you can end up arguing about a question neither of you ever actually said out loud.

That’s why couples can so easily talk past each other when it comes to porn. One person is focused on the fact that no touching happened and no one else was in the room. The other is focused on sexual arousal happening outside the relationship and the fact that it was kept from them. When you’ve never talked about what porn means in your relationship, that silence can create a gap between what each of you thought you had agreed to.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down three common myths about porn in relationships, including whether it counts as cheating, whether it harms relationships, and whether regular use means addiction. I also explain what the research actually tells us about when porn creates problems and how to have the conversation that may have needed to happen much earlier.

3:19 - Myth #1: watching porn is either always cheating or never cheating

4:33 - The unspoken assumption almost every couple carries about porn

5:26 - Myth #2: watching porn is bad for relationships across the board

6:40 - The pattern that predicts whether porn will harm your relationship

7:26 - Myth #3: watching porn means you have or are developing an addiction

8:55 - The biggest predictor of whether someone believes they're "addicted" to porn

10:23 - Three things that tie all these myths together (and actually do the relationship damage that porn gets blamed for)

11:54 - Four tips on how you can have a real conversation about porn in your relationship with your partner

Mentioned In Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship?

Sep 29, 2026 15 min

Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy?

Episode 37

Show notes

You want to work on your sex life. Your partner wants to work on communication. When you are coming into couples therapy focused on different problems, it can be hard to know where you are supposed to begin. And if each of you already feels like your concern has been overlooked, even deciding what therapy should focus on can turn into another argument.

Different goals for couples therapy do not necessarily mean you want different things from the relationship. You may both want to feel closer, but have very different ideas about what needs to change first. When each person starts trying to prove that their concern matters more, choosing a goal for therapy can become another version of the conflict you are already having.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell whether you and your partner actually want different outcomes or simply disagree about where to begin. I also look at how communication, conflict, affection, and sexual intimacy can become part of the same cycle, and how to choose a shared starting point without treating one partner’s concern as more legitimate than the other.

2:19 - Why wanting better communication and wanting more sex may be more connected than they seem

5:16 - What “I want more sex” or “I want better communication” may actually mean to each partner

7:30 - How to tell if you want different things from the relationship or simply disagree about where to begin

9:50 - The relationship cycle that can make both communication and physical intimacy harder

11:59 - How to make room for one partner’s sexual boundaries and the other partner’s feelings of loss or rejection

13:10 - What disagreeing about therapy goals can reveal about the patterns already happening in your relationship

15:14 - When different therapy goals are actually a bigger disagreement about the future of the relationship

16:33 - Four questions to ask when different goals have kept you from starting couples therapy

Mentioned In Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy?

Sep 22, 2026 19 min

Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners

Episode 36

Show notes

You can still love your partner, function well together, and somehow end up feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. Maybe you do everything together and have trouble functioning as two separate people. Or maybe you’ve become so independent that you divide the responsibilities, stay out of each other’s way, and rarely talk about what’s actually happening beneath the surface.

These relationships can look completely different from the outside, but both can lose the balance between closeness and individuality. One can become so focused on togetherness that the people inside the relationship start losing touch with themselves. The other can become so emotionally separate that both partners know each other’s schedules, but not necessarily each other’s inner worlds.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how differentiation can help us understand why couples start feeling more like roommates than partners. I walk through fusion and emotional cutoff, the signs these patterns may be showing up in your relationship, and how maintaining both individuality and emotional connection can create more room for curiosity, vulnerability, and intimacy.

2:37 - How differentiation helps explain why some couples start feeling more like roommates than partners

4:56 - What fusion looks like when keeping the peace starts costing you a clear sense of self

6:29 - How losing individuality can drain energy, curiosity, and passion from a relationship

8:06 - What emotional cutoff looks like when independence becomes distance

10:45 - Five signs that differentiation may be part of your roommate dynamic

12:52 - Why simply spending more time together or more time apart may not solve the problem

13:19 - How to express your own preferences without creating more disconnection

13:56 - What to do when your partner’s emotions start taking over your own experience

14:54 - Rebuilding individuality without using independence as an escape from the relationship

15:26 - How to let your partner know you again and create more shared growth

16:33 - Why long-term partners need to keep discovering who each other is becoming

17:23 - What balance between closeness and individuality can make possible for intimacy

Mentioned In Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners

How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships

Sep 15, 2026 20 min

When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner

Episode 35

Show notes

Past relationship trauma can quietly shape the relationship you're in now, even when your current partner has done nothing to cause it. Your ex cheated on you, so you check your partner's phone. Or a former partner emotionally disappeared when things got serious, so now you find yourself bracing for the same thing to happen again.

This is one way betrayal trauma can follow you into a new relationship. Your brain may understand that your current partner is different, while your nervous system is still reacting to patterns it learned in the past. That can leave you questioning whether what you're feeling is a warning about this relationship or a response to something that already happened.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how past relationship trauma can show up through hypervigilance, comparison, testing, avoidance, and reactions around touch and sex. I also share how to separate old pattern matching from what is actually happening now, build new evidence of safety, and decide when and how to talk to a new partner about your past.

2:13 – The difference between an ordinary heartbreak and betrayal trauma

5:13 – Why betrayal trauma responses happen in the first place

6:24 – Four ways betrayal trauma can show up in your current relationship, even when your partner hasn't done anything wrong

10:38 – An example of trauma I often see as a sex therapist, and how a small change helped one client rebuild trust in their partner

14:33 – How to tell whether or not you’re truly dealing with a trauma response

15:17 – How I help current couples work through reactions to past relationship trauma

18:22 – When and how to tell a new partner about a past traumatic relationship

Mentioned In When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner

How Anxious Attachment Shows Up In Your Sex Life

Sep 8, 2026 23 min

The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships

Episode 34

Show notes

You’re trying to be clear about what you need in your relationship, so you draw a line and tell yourself you’re setting a boundary. But when your partner responds with defensiveness instead of change, it may be worth asking whether what you communicated was actually a boundary or an ultimatum.

A boundary stays focused on your own limits and what you’re willing to do. An ultimatum shifts the focus toward controlling your partner’s behavior or forcing a specific outcome. The concern underneath both can be completely reasonable, but the way you communicate it can determine whether the conversation opens up or shuts down.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the difference between a request, a boundary, and an ultimatum and show you how the same need can be communicated in very different ways. I also explain how anxious attachment and protest behaviors can push us toward ultimatums, share six questions to help you check yourself before a hard conversation, and talk about when a firm, non-negotiable boundary is actually appropriate.

1:56 – What separates a genuine ask, a healthy boundary, and a full-blown ultimatum

3:31 – An example of a boundary vs. an ultimatum around a partner's work stress

4:39 – How anxious attachment and protest behaviors escalate into ultimatums

5:33 – Six questions that reveal whether you're setting a boundary or issuing an ultimatum

8:46 – Situations where holding a non-negotiable boundary is completely appropriate

11:25 – What to do if you catch yourself about to issue an unnecessary ultimatum

12:14 – What to say if you're the one on the receiving end of an ultimatum

Mentioned In The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships

Why Unmet Attachment Needs Sabotage Your Sex Life

Sep 1, 2026 14 min

How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life

Episode 33

Show notes

If you’re checking how long it's been since you last had sex or bringing up an ex just to see how your partner reacts, you've probably told yourself it's harmless. But what if the behaviors you’re using to feel safer in your relationship are actually creating more distance between you and your partner?

Anxious attachment doesn’t always look like obvious clinginess or pursuit. Sometimes it shows up through testing, monitoring, or keeping score, especially when your nervous system is looking for proof that you’re still wanted and the relationship is okay. These protest behaviors are attempts to restore closeness, but over time they can start eroding the connection you’re trying to protect.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why these protest behaviors develop, what they can look like in your sex life, and why they so often create more distance instead of reassurance. I also share three ways to start changing these patterns, so you can ask more directly for what you need instead of waiting to see if your partner passes the test.

1:49 – Why protest behaviors show up, the forms they take, and the neurological paradox they create

4:10 – Tip #1: Notice what’s happening in your body moments before the protest behavior takes over

6:05 – Tip #2: Ask directly for what you want instead of putting your partner through a test to find out

7:27 – Tip #3: Get curious about the real question your jealousy is hiding behind

10:10 – How to respond if you’re on the receiving end of a partner's protest patterns

Mentioned In How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life

How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame

Aug 25, 2026 13 min

Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate

Episode 32

Show notes

Couples can spend months or even years working on communication, conflict, and trust without ever talking about what is happening in their sex life. Once sexual concerns come up, their couples therapist may refer them to a sex therapist, almost as if sex is a separate problem that needs to be handed off to someone else.

Part of the reason is that many couples therapists were never formally trained to talk about sex. That can leave couples doing important work on their emotional connection while their physical connection remains completely outside the conversation, even though the two are often affecting each other.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why sex therapy and couples therapy are often treated as two separate specialties and why I do not think that reflects how relationships actually work. I also clear up some common myths about what each type of therapy looks like in a session and why couples should not have to choose between addressing their emotional connection and their sex life.

1:59 – How traditional couples therapy differs from sex therapy

3:07 – The training gap most couples therapists face, and the road to sex therapy qualification that I had to travel

4:54 – Why these therapies shouldn’t be considered completely separate from each other

7:42 – Debunking four common myths about sex therapy and couples therapy

9:14 – The one thing you should take away from this episode

Mentioned In Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate

How PTSD Affects Romantic Relationships and What Actually Helps

Aug 18, 2026 11 min

How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships

Episode 31

Show notes

A calm, steady relationship can start to feel like something is missing, even when nothing seems wrong. If you have a trauma history, quiet may be harder to trust than chaos ever was. What feels like boredom or incompatibility may be your nervous system mistaking calm for the absence of love or desire.

Trauma can also show up when you pull away as soon as a relationship starts to feel good, use sex or being desired as proof of your worth, or feel drawn to dynamics that do not always make sense to you. These patterns can feel isolating or shameful, especially when you do not understand why they are happening.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through four specific ways trauma can affect your romantic relationships. I explain what may be happening underneath each pattern and share what can help you begin changing it without treating it like a lifelong sentence.

2:24 – A calm, safe relationship can feel boring after trauma

5:05 – Three ways to stop chasing intensity outside a healthy relationship

7:09 – Core beliefs, self-sabotage, and how trauma affects your romantic relationships

9:44 – When sex or being desired becomes proof of your worth

12:38 – The difference between consensual kink and a trauma response that needs attention

15:42 – Four signs an empowering sexual pattern may have become compulsive

Mentioned In How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships

Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It

Sign up for "The Quickie" or Book a Free 30-Minute Consult

Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex

Aug 11, 2026 18 min

When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse

Episode 30

Show notes

Scheduling sex can sound like a practical solution when life is full and intimacy keeps getting pushed aside. It can also leave you feeling like sex has become another obligation on the calendar, especially when the pressure starts building long before the scheduled time arrives.

The difference often comes down to what that time is expected to guarantee. When scheduling protects space for connection and leaves room for desire to develop, it can take pressure off. When it starts to feel like a commitment to arousal, intercourse, or orgasm, your nervous system may experience the schedule as a demand instead of an invitation.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain when scheduling sex can help and why it sometimes makes things worse. I also share how to create intentional time for connection without making a specific sexual outcome the requirement.

2:12 – Why the idea that desire must be spontaneous might be quietly setting your relationship up to fail

4:37 – Responsive desire and the real goal of scheduling sex

5:47 – The impact of scheduling sex on highly anxious or neurodivergent people

6:34 – What most sex-positive content leaves out of the discussion

7:26 – The hidden buildup that can start days before the encounter and ruin the moment

9:24 – How a trauma history changes the feel of a scheduled block, and the reframe that makes it safer

10:54 – A four-part framework for trying scheduled intimacy without turning it into a test or obligation

Mentioned In When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse

Esther Perel

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame

Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait

Aug 4, 2026 14 min

How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy

Episode 29

Show notes

Couples wait an average of six years after problems start before ever getting help. If you’ve been sitting on the question, “Will you go to couples therapy with me?” you probably understand how that happens. You know something needs to shift, but you’re worried your partner will hear the request as, “Our relationship is failing,” or “You’re the problem.”

Even if you never say those words, that energy can show up in your tone and body language. Research on conflict conversations has found that the first three minutes predict, with striking accuracy, how the whole conversation will go. So the words you choose, along with your tone and timing, can make the difference between an invitation your partner is open to and a conversation that turns defensive before it even starts.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I give you the exact language to use when asking your partner to go to couples therapy. I explain how to use a podcast episode as a lower-pressure starting point, respond to the fear underneath their objections, and pause the conversation if it starts going sideways. I also share why asking your partner to try one session can feel much easier than asking them to commit to therapy without knowing what that commitment will look like.

1:37 – Why the first three minutes of this conversation matter more than almost anything you say after

2:45 – How to choose your approach based on the pattern in your relationship

5:01 – How to broach the subject with your partner in a gentle, non-accusatory way

6:49 – Why your partner might push back, and what to do if the conversation starts moving towards conflict

8:32 – How to introduce couples therapy like an addition to the relationship instead of a verdict on it

10:27 – Why your relationship isn’t doomed if your partner still says no

11:34 – Bringing everything together so you can start applying it today

Mentioned In How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy

Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire

How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame

Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It

Jul 28, 2026 14 min

How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem

Episode 28

Show notes

Your desire for sex doesn’t match your partner’s, and now you’re wondering what that difference says about your relationship. Is this a normal part of being together long term, or a sign that something has started to go wrong?

Mismatched sex drives are incredibly common, but that doesn’t mean every desire gap should be ignored. Sometimes the difference comes down to spontaneous and responsive desire. Other times, resentment, pressure, and emotional disconnection have started changing the relationship far beyond what happens in the bedroom.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell when mismatched sex drives are a normal part of a long-term relationship and when the gap has started causing real damage. I also share the signs that tell me a couple may need support and what we actually work on in sex therapy.

2:13 – Why mismatched sex drives do not mean you’re incompatible

3:09 – How spontaneous and responsive desire create a cycle of rejection and pressure

6:14 – Five signs mismatched sex drives may need outside support

10:40 – Why initiating sex more often can make the problem worse

11:19 – Two responses to sexual rejection that damage the relationship

12:25 – What couples work on first in sex therapy

15:34 – What a fulfilling sex life can look like after sex therapy

17:08 – How to tell if mismatched sex drives are normal or a real problem

Mentioned In How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem

“Pleasure-producing human clitoris has more than 10,000 nerve fibers” | Oregon Health & Science University

Jul 21, 2026 19 min

Is a Woman’s Orgasm Worth the Effort?

Episode 27

Show notes

A viral podcast clip recently claimed that pleasuring a woman during sex has “not much ROI” and that using a vibrator would make him feel “cucked.” Reducing a woman’s orgasm to a business calculation may sound extreme, but the belief underneath it is far more common. Female pleasure is treated as extra, optional, or only worth pursuing when it happens easily.

Sex education often skips the clitoris, pornography turns performance into instruction, and penetration is still treated as the main event. That means most of us were never taught how female pleasure actually works. When that becomes the script, a woman’s pleasure is easier to ignore, and the orgasm gap becomes far less surprising.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the anatomy behind female pleasure and what the research says about how women reach orgasm during partnered sex. I explain what the orgasm gap reveals, why women’s pleasure can disappear from the sexual equation, and how that pattern affects desire, trust, and connection over time. I also share what helps couples create a sex life where both partners feel seen, informed, and genuinely invested in each other’s experience.

0:53 – What one viral podcast remark about "ROI" reveals about a much bigger cultural blind spot around female pleasure
3:14 – The real anatomy of the clitoris and why most people (including many women) only know a fraction of it

6:08 – Why incuriosity is the real issue for some men here, not simply being unaware of where the clitoris is or how to stimulate a female partner
7:54 – How long it takes a woman to orgasm (and why the range matters more than the average)
9:36 – Why lesbian women orgasm at significantly higher rates than heterosexual women (and what it reveals about where the "problem" really lives)
11:03 – How women adapt to consistently absent orgasms and the coping mechanism most don’t even realize they’re using
11:47 – Why faking orgasms starts as self-protection and can lead to a sexless relationship

14:09 – The three-part process used in couples therapy to help a woman reconnect to her own pleasure and openly communicate it to her partner

15:07 – What separates the men who make real progress in this work from the ones who stay stuck

17:53 – Why this matters beyond a single podcast clip

18:47 – What happens when both partners commit to closing the orgasm gap

Mentioned In Is a Woman’s Orgasm Worth the Effort?

“How long does it take for a woman to reach orgasm?” | International Society for Sexual Medicine

“Devaluing Women’s Orgasm: An Experimental Investigation of Whether, When, and to What Effect Women and Men Reduce the Importance of Women’s Orgasm” | Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin

Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner

Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want

How to Stop the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle Without Blame

Jul 14, 2026 22 min

When One Partner Wants Sex and the Other Pulls Away

Episode 26

Show notes

When one partner wants sex and the other pulls away, it can start to feel like every attempt at closeness comes with a risk. If you’re the one initiating, you may feel rejected, unwanted, or unsure whether your partner desires you anymore. So eventually, you stop trying altogether, not because the desire is gone, but because the rejection has become too painful to keep risking.

Underneath that pattern, both partners are usually trying to protect themselves. One person reaches for sex because it helps them feel connected and reassured, while the other starts experiencing that same initiation as pressure, expectation, or the possibility of disappointing their partner again. The more loaded sex becomes, the harder it is for either of you to feel safe enough to reach for each other in a way that actually lands.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain the dynamics behind the sexual pursue-withdraw cycle and how it impacts both partners’ nervous systems. I talk about why the same couple can be each other’s pursuer and withdrawer, why this pattern often outlasts the arguments it creates, and how the way you say no can be the difference between disappointment and rejection. I also share four strategies you can practice together to interrupt the cycle, rebuild safety around physical intimacy, and start feeling connected again.

2:32 – A brief disclaimer for the partner who withdraws from sex
3:37 – Why the dynamics behind the initiating partner and the withdrawing partner aren’t what they seem
5:54 – How your brain processes constant sexual rejection, and how partners can switch between the pursuer-withdrawer roles
7:37 – Why only addressing the emotional side of the relationship can sometimes make things worse
8:10 – How the nervous system's feeling of unsafety comes into play for both the pursuer and the withdrawer
10:38 – The effects of sexual satisfaction and dissatisfaction on couples, and the difference between a rejection that wounds vs. disappoints
11:45 – Why the absence of fighting about sex anymore might actually be a sign of trouble ahead
13:34 – How the emotional and sexual pursue-withdraw cycles feed each other in a way that worsens both over time
14:25 – Four strategies for rebuilding safety around physical connection without the weight of expectation or risk of rejection

22:05 – What actually creates the sexual pursuit-withdrawal cycle in relationships

Mentioned In When One Partner Wants Sex and the Other Pulls Away

Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner

Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts With Emotional Regulation

Rose McGowan “Hollywood Was Worse Than The Cult I Escaped” | We Need to Talk with Paul C. Brunson Podcast

Jul 7, 2026 24 min

Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want

Episode 25

Show notes

You love your partner and want sex to feel close, connected, and mutual, yet desire can still feel harder to access than you think it should. When they ask what you like, what turns you on, or what would help you feel more present in your body, you may not have a clear answer. That confusion can be painful for both of you, especially when your partner experiences your uncertainty as distance, disconnection, or rejection.

Those moments make more sense when you look at how early the messages start. Long before you were in an adult relationship, you may have learned that your body was something to monitor, your desire was something to hide, and your sexuality belonged to someone else before it ever belonged to you. Those messages do not disappear just because you are with someone safe.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why women’s desire can feel so hard to access and why knowing what you want sexually is not as simple as “just tell me what you like.” I trace how shame, fear, safety messaging, and social conditioning shape the way women relate to their bodies and desire. I also share what male partners need to understand, and where women can begin when they’re ready to start reclaiming their sexual desire.

3:37 – How school dress codes teach girls that their bodies are something to monitor, manage, and cover up
5:10 – Why religious messages about purity, temptation, and obedience can be so hard for women to unravel
7:42 – How sexual double standards teach girls to hide desire while boys are praised for expressing it
9:30 – Why family conversations about sex often teach girls fear before they ever learn about pleasure
12:49 – How being taught to stay accommodating and “not too much” follows women into the bedroom
14:15 – How the media, Me Too, and the backlash that followed shaped women’s relationship with sexual safety
17:54 – What reproductive control can do to a woman’s psychological relationship with her own body
21:02 – The question male partners can ask when they want to understand instead of pressure
22:02 – Three starting points for women ready to begin unlearning a lifetime of sexual conditioning

Mentioned In Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want

Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner

How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective

Jun 30, 2026 26 min

How to Resolve Conflict With Your Partner Without Resentment

Episode 24

Show notes

Ever tried to resolve conflict with your partner, only for the argument to end because one of you finally gave in? It might look like the conflict is resolved, maybe even like someone won, but the person who backed down is usually still hurting underneath it all. They’re tired of explaining themselves, tired of having the same fight on repeat, and tired of feeling like the only way to move forward is to check out.

That kind of “resolution” doesn’t create real repair. It creates self-abandonment, and over time, that is exactly how resentment starts building in a relationship. Real conflict resolution has to make room for both people to feel heard, respected, and steady enough to reconnect, even when the issue itself does not have a clean solution.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I’m concluding this communication series by sharing how to resolve conflict with your partner without leaving one person feeling like they lost another fight. I walk through the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems, how to work with each one, and why reconnection after hard conversations matters just as much as the resolution itself.

2:54 – Why not all conflicts in relationships can be resolved

4:09 – How to figure out whether you’re dealing with a solvable or unsolvable conflict

5:37 – Five steps to resolve solvable conflicts between you and your partner

11:09 – An example of how Dr. John and Julie Gottman learn to live with one perpetual difference between them

13:23 – How to move from gridlock to dialogue with your partner about the unresolvable issues

18:00 – One final step to tackle after you’ve reached a solution or a compromise

20:41 – Quick review of the communication framework covered in this series

Mentioned In How to Resolve Conflict With Your Partner Without Resentment

How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage

The Gottman Institute

Relationship Reset Couples Program

Relationship Readiness Intensive

Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult