Love and Abuse

Should you come right out and say, "Hey, you're abusing me, and you need to stop"? Hmm, that might work for a very small percentage of people. But what if it's been going on for years? What if it has become normal in the relationship? Is there a way to approach an abusive person without things going sideways?

This is a follow-up episode for episode 190 - When anger is used to keep you compliant. Take time to reflect on 10 self-assessment questions based on the key themes from that episode. Pause between each question and be honest with yourself as you consider how these patterns show up in your life and relationships

Anger in an emotionally abusive relationship raises the emotional and physical stakes. The risks are higher, and often, so is the submission and compliance.

Is one lie too many? Is honesty important in your relationship? Is it so important that if they lied once, you could forgive. If they lied twice, perhaps you could get past it. But what if they simply don't stop lying? What's after that?

Are there early warning signs that signal the strong possibility of a relationship becoming abusive? Yes. Absolutely. And you should know them. There are many, unfortunately. Knowledge is power - and this episode is all about your power.

Every single thing you do is not only not good enough, but on top of that, you're insulted, belittled, put down, and shamed in front of others. There is absolutely no reprieve from some people. It's like they don't even like you, let alone love you.

When you're exposed to toxic behavior day after day, you get stuck in a rut with walls so high that you feel like you can never get out. Sometimes a slight shift in mindset allows you to find the first stepping stone toward the top. It may take a while, but there is a path out of the in-the-rut thinking.

Physical abuse is the totality of all abuse in one package. It's violent and extremely damaging. And the victim of such aggressive behavior can literally be scarred for life. I hope you never experience anything like it. But if you have, this episode may be helpful to you.

It can feel amazing when someone focuses entirely on you, supporting you, helping you achieve whatever makes you happy... until it turns into a nightmare.

Isolation is one of the more destructive forms of emotional abuse, yet many people don't realize it's happening. They simply notice they no longer feel happy or fulfilled. Understanding how isolation works gives you the foundation to make decisions from a place of empowered knowledge instead of from a place someone else has put you in.

Are you the problem if nothing you do is ever right or good enough? Could they possibly be right about everything they're saying? If you believe this, please listen to this episode. It might just save you a lot of doubt and confusion.

When someone wants to control who you see by giving you an ultimatum between them and "me", you might have a hard choice to make. Or, maybe it's an easy choice, but it might be hard to get there from here.

You realize the relationship isn't going to work out and want to leave, but you're worried about being called a bad parent. Not only that, you are guaranteed to be called a bad parent by an abusive partner. Are you stuck in this relationship forever?

Your heart is big. And your kindness and compassion, though amazing qualities, can also keep you in situations that are unhealthy for you. When you're afraid you're going to hurt someone by leaving them, there's a bigger picture to keep in mind.

It's hard enough to be in a difficult relationship, but when your boundaries are shot, your adrenals are through the roof, and lots of years have passed, you might be wondering if this entire relationship was a giant waste of time, thinking about all the things you could have or should have done instead.

It can be hard to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. The challenge is real! But what about leaving one? It might be just as hard or harder because of the unknown of what happens next.

A trauma bond is like being addicted to both the highs and lows, just waiting for your next fix. It's not impossible to break a trauma bond, but it can be hard as hell.

Can the victim of emotional abuse accept the former abuser as a friend after a lot of time has passed? I received this question from someone who used to be emotionally abusive, feels awful about it, but has been out of that relationship for years. Then she met up with her ex again, and things are different, but not in the way she expected.

You're watching your child mirror a narcissistic parent and it feels like you're losing ground. Arguing with the lies they're being told feels pointless, but asking the right questions might just be what helps you keep your connection to your children, helping them choose empathy over manipulation.