The Calm Confidence Podcast: Social Anxiety and Being Yourself

Obviously, we don't want to feel anxious in social situations. We want to feel relaxed, cool, calm and collected. This hope makes us despise how we feel and how we show up. We fight our feelings and our thoughts hoping to change them, but it only makes it worse. We become more self aware and self conscious. We become ashamed of our anxiety and afraid of the potential outcomes. The unpopular truth is that in order to overcome social anxiety, we must accept that it is here to stay for a while. If we can learn to embrace it, it will lose it's power and stranglehold over us. We begin to realize we can tolerate more than we thought, and that the feeling of anxiety is not a stamp on our identity.

Interested in joining the "Get Out Of Your Head" live Rumination class? Join here:

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/live_events/live-event-social-anxiety

Looking to going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

Want To Work With Me? Check out my services here: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Episode description

Warning: This episode explores themes of trauma and abuse.

What happens to the stories we never tell? For Bridey Thelen-Heidel, holding them in for decades took a real toll on her body. Writing them down became the way she started to heal.

Bridey has been a high school English teacher for 27 years. She’s also a TEDx speaker and the author of the award-winning memoir Bright Eyes, a story about surviving our monsters and then learning how to live without them. The book won a Zibby Award for Best Story of Overcoming, a NYC Big Book Award and a San Francisco Book Festival Award. Her advocacy for LGBT+ youth has been recognized by the California Teachers Association.

In this episode, we talk about trauma, bravery, and what it takes to finally tell the truth about your life. Bridey shares how she wrote Bright Eyes over five years without knowing where to start, but discovered her freedom and truth even when others tried to deny it.

While this conversation may not discuss social anxiety, as my episodes often do, I believe this is an incredible story of bravery and vulnerability that I hope can be inspiring to you listeners.

Connect with Bridey

• Website: https://bridey-thelenheidel.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brighteyesauthor/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bridey.heidel
• TEDx Talk, “ROB the Trauma: Steal Back Your Life”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT6rvXyjsZU

Bridey also offers developmental editing for memoir writers with an early draft, and she joins book clubs over Zoom to talk about Bright Eyes. You can reach her through her website.

Appeasing others is at the core of social anxiety. It is also short lived and never solves the deeper problem within. The very attempt to get appease and get approval reminds us we still need it, which makes us feel inferior to others. In this episode I explore how to give yourself permission to express yourself and take risks. We must learn and replace our overt and subtle attempts to get approval from others, and begin to express ourselves despite the possibility for rejection and ridicule.

Interested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

Want To Work With Me? Check out my services here: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Don’t you hate when people tell you to just be yourself? “Just express yourself and you’ll find your people,” is what they tell you. The problem is you don’t know who you are. This is a common problem for those of use who struggle with our confidence. On this episode I explore how our fear causes us to be dishonest with ourselves and others, which leads to this identity confusion.

Interested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here:

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

Want To Work With Me? Check out my services here:

https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

When my social anxiety was at it's worst, people would try to convince me that it was all in my head; that no one was thinking about me as much as I thought they were. And for a while I thought this would help. I tried to convince myself that no one was looking, staring or judging. But this never made me feel any better because I was always worried about the "what ifs." "But what if they are looking at me, then what do I do?" The reality is we cannot overcome a fear by convincing ourselves the thing we are afraid of is impossible, because it never is. When we are thinking like this, we are still thinking from a state of fear. We want to eventually get to a point where we accept that judgment is possible, but we can be ok with that.Other relevant episodes:

How To Actually Not Care What People Think: https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/pq9mOJLL35b

How To Actually Be Yourself: https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/dJu0THLL35bInterested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here:

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-courseWant To Work With Me? Check out my services here: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

In today’s episode we explore how our mind convinces us that avoidance is a good thing. When we are really anxious we start to truly believe that social interactions are inherently dangerous, weird or awkward. The truth is they just FEEL that way. We need to teach our brain that we can handle more than we think, and it’s time we stop justifying our fears.

Interested in working with me?

https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Social Anxiety Course (50% Off with the Code: August):

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

Social Anxiety Mini Workbook (FREE):

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/digital_downloads/minibook

"Just Be Yourself." The worst advice known to man for social anxiety. Despite knowing how unhelpful this is, we can often find ourselves trying to be more "ourself." However, this desire often leads to more obsessiveness, rumination and perfectionism. It is performance rather than being. Instead we need to lower our standards. We need to understand what we can and cannot do at this given time with our anxiety, and give ourselves flexible expectations so we can see progress. Your "true" self may emerge once you stop fixating on it, or maybe it won't. But maybe it doesn't matter.

Other relevant episodes:

How To Actually Be Yourself: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7qxdc1vSia5PXnvrnlTasQ?si=2ADoYuFOQXWlCq3--jBzwA

How To Like Yourself: https://open.spotify.com/episode/67AfJBOLvae9n6hENlbiDx?si=GWeNKg5oSuKbcVZwlpR1MQ

Are You Faking It? https://open.spotify.com/episode/6QgK3oPAOXg8RFWvggrUxB?si=qE-Yv5wxToSYygftIJTfKg

Interested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-courseWant To Work With Me? Check out my services here: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

In today's episode I talk about overcoming the fear of public speaking with Mona, who also goes by Babystepstothemic on TikTok and Instagram. Mona has amassed over 170K followers on Instagram and over 60K on TikTok over the past 6 months, by sharing videos of her journey to overcoming her fear of public speaking.

In this episode we explore what sparked this journey and what she has learned along the way about her self and overcoming her fear.

She has also developed a 14 day "Off The Cuff Challenge" for anyone interested in challenging themselves to face their fears. She has created a website that creates a random topic automatically so you can build your skills to speaking off the cuff about anything!

Interested in joining the challenge? Sign up here:

https://www.offthecuffspeech.com/#try-it

You can also follow Mona on instagram and Tiktok:

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/babystepstothemic?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@babystepstothemic?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

What if rejection isn't actually rejection? In this episode, we break down why it feels like getting rejected is often just incompatibility that we've learned to take personally. When you wear a mask to avoid disapproval, you're not protecting yourself, you're just working harder to be liked by people who were never going to be your people anyway. We talk about why being authentic feels so risky, what actually happens when someone doesn't like the real you, and why fitting in is never the solution. If you've every shrunk or edited yourself to avoid being rejected, this episode is for you.

Related episodes:

Why You Can't Make Friends: https://open.spotify.com/episode/5xfQVrwWpaydjdDJXSD6qf?si=qKBWqPqrT8O-BW6ypW82Xw

How To Like Yourself:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/67AfJBOLvae9n6hENlbiDx?si=GWeNKg5oSuKbcVZwlpR1MQ

How To Actually Be Yourself:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7qxdc1vSia5PXnvrnlTasQ?si=hGW6EOsXTRWXbVzivazvaw

Interested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here:

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

Want To Work With Me? Check out my services here:

https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

One of our biggest fears with social anxiety is that people will find out we have boring lives. We don't go out, don't have many friends and don't do much outside of the house and we worry people will judge us for this. Some might, but we have to accept them. Trying to hide this very really problem only makes us more insecure and self-conscious. Instead, we will learn to shift focu onto others. Get curious about them. Allow our brains to give us things to say, instead of trying to "find it." It's equally important we start building a life of our own so we can have more at our disposal, as well as give us a more fulfilling life. Interested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

Want To Work With Me? Check out my services here: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

When we are struggling with social anxiety or confidence we try to project a persona of "cool" on "nonchalant" to the world. The problem is that the very act of doing this indicates we do not feel confident in the first place. Ultimately, no amount of acting cool will actually help us feel more confident or make more connections because this act turns us away from ourselves. We are no longer interested in who we are, but instead who we feel we need to be for others. The other truth is, even if we can pull this off, eventually others will see we are putting on an act. Instead lets figure out what this mask is trying to hide. What are we afraid of expressing? What are we afraid other's may judge? Can we accept these "flaws" about us? Can we show them to the world. That is what it actually means to be cool.

Email your episode ideas to: Info@csplcsw.com

Interested in working with me?Therapy (NJ/NY Only): https://calmconfidencetherapy.com/

Coaching (Anywhere): https://calmconfidencetherapy.com/coachingInterested in the

Full Length Social Anxiety Course? (33% Off for Students):https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

College is one of the most socially demanding environments you will ever be in; new people, new situations, and almost no time to ease into any of it. In this episode I talk about what it actually looks like to navigate college with social anxiety. What habits to looks out for, breaking social convention and taking as many opportunities as you possibly can.

Interested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

We talk a lot about the fear of being judged. But there's a side of social anxiety that nobody really talks about; the fact that when we're anxious, we often become the most critical person in the room. We judge others for their demeanor, their interests and where we think they stand in our self created hierarchy. We become, without realizing it, exactly the kind of judgmental observer we're so afraid of. In this episode I unpack why this happens and how we can start to become more accepting of ourselves by being more accepting of others first.

Course (33% Off with the Code: Student):

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

You want to talk to more people, but you're afraid to initiate. This often begins with our expectations. We tend to believe there are certain social "rules" we must follow before approaching, which make taking action twice as hard as it needs to be. In this episode I challenge long held beliefs, accepting possible outcomes, and speaking freely about what is on your mind.

Free Mini Workbook: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/digital_downloads/minibook

Full Workbook (Use code Mini for 40% Off): https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/digital_downloads/workbook

Other Relevant Episodes:

The Practical Way To End Self Consciousness: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6oR1qUWbvrfGICWjrcGPHH?si=3SKZ1cbNR2aJr5vZz3AJZg

Sometimes making progress with your social anxiety can be painful. We are reminded of all the time and opportunities we lost for not making progress earlier. This can stop us in our tracks and hinder progress moving forward. In this episode I cover how to deal with this very common yet painful process.

🚨 Presale for Social Anxiety Course Open Now — Course Unlocks Monday.

Get 25% off before launch using code: calmconfidence

Code valid until Friday, 5/15

https://calm-confidence-https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

We’ve officially hit 1000 subscribers! What a journey it’s been, thank you for all your support, you motivate me every day to keep this going.

Also, quick update, there was an error with the coupon course. Some of you mentioned it wasn’t working. I figured out the issue and it should be working now, here is the course link:

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

There is a not so hidden driver of social anxiety, and that is our insecurities. Whether it is the way we look, the way we talk, our current place in life, our physical symptoms... we all have insecurities. For some of us however, they consume our life. We are so afraid of of others judgment that we may hide or modify who we are to feel "secure." The problem is it never works... The more we hide the more afraid we feel. In the episode , I will explore the counter-intuitive approach to overcoming your insecurities.

🚨 Presale for Social Anxiety Course Open Now — Course Unlocks Monday.

Get 25% off before launch using code: calmconfidence

https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-course

Other Relevant Episodes:

The Core Fear Of Social Anxiety: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6xgFxmAYwM0CHbWAn4Q8hU?si=WgaKLpHzQHWsle7c05T8aA

The Practical Way To End Self Consciousness:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6oR1qUWbvrfGICWjrcGPHH?si=3SKZ1cbNR2aJr5vZz3AJZg

How To Like Yourself:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/67AfJBOLvae9n6hENlbiDx?si=GWeNKg5oSuKbcVZwlpR1MQ

Do you ever find yourself up all night worrying about a party, date or presentation the next day (or week or month). This is a very common symptoms of social anxiety. In this episode I explore what anticipatory anxiety is, what we tend to do to try to solve it (which often makes it worse) and what we can do instead to finally put an end to this vicious cycle.

Disclaimer: This episode and podcast should NOT be considered therapy and is NOT a substitute for therapy. Listening to me does not constitute a therapeutic relationship.

Join The Newsletter: ⁠https://subscribepage.io/pknKh0⁠

Schedule a FREE Consultation: https://charles-perry4090.clientsecure.me/

Other Episode Mentioned:

How To Stop Replaying Social Interactions

https://open.spotify.com/episode/73sQBMvUxNdnycDNG1Ntzv?si=mrfy3hx5TDSv8PCYWPdnFQ

When we have social anxiety it feels like we are doing exposure therapy every day and yet nothing gets better. Still people tell us, "you have to face your fears." But no matter how hard or often you try you still feel anxious. In this episode I explain what exposure therapy is, why it may not be working and how to actually do it so you can truly start to face and overcome your fears.

Disclaimer: This episode and podcast should NOT be considered therapy and is NOT a substitute for therapy. Listening to me does not constitute a therapeutic relationship.

Join The Newsletter: https://subscribepage.io/pknKh0

Schedule a FREE Consultation: https://charles-perry4090.clientsecure.me/

Other Relevant Episodes:

On Safety Behaviors and Post Processing:

"Why Your Social Anxiety Isn’t Getting Better"

⁠https://open.spotify.com/episode/7yWXFBjkLAgkZC0b884f5d?si=VyeeRFcoSN-C_PhDxyxEjg⁠

On Post Event Processing:

How To Stop Replaying Social Situations

https://open.spotify.com/episode/73sQBMvUxNdnycDNG1Ntzv?si=mrfy3hx5TDSv8PCYWPdnFQ

On How To Be More Present In Social Situations:

"How To Talk To Strangers"

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2y9teRfNBokf9Wnof40Txa?si=Jxqywsd4QE2thk2mRIPCKA

"How To End Self Consciousness"

https://open.spotify.com/episode/310HMvM2D58SF5G1e4lEpn?si=EOIKWgXoSPWNIR9p196HgA

When you have social anxiety people give you really bad advice, like "Just be Yourself." It sounds good in theory, but what does it actually mean? No one explains it. Also, sometimes we don't even know who we are, so how can we "bo ourselves" if we can't identify with who we are and what we like. In this episode I explain what this actually means and give a practical guide to how to truly be yourself and how to figure out who you are.

In this episode I also mention a prior episode where explore a similar topic called "How To Like Yourself." Here is the link to that episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/67AfJBOLvae9n6hENlbiDx?si=GWeNKg5oSuKbcVZwlpR1MQ

Are you struggling with your social anxiety and looking to make a change? I am currently taking new clients (must live in NY or NJ). Click here to book your FREE 15 minute consultation: https://charles-perry4090.clientsecure.me/

You can also check out my website here: https://calmconfidencetherapy.com/