The Save The Marriage Podcast

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"

The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

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There are some questions that can help a marriage. There are many thoughts that can improve your relationship.

But there is one question that will suck the life right out of a marriage. And it is a question you don't even need to ask another person, in order to do the damage.

In fact, another person won't make a difference for this question. It is a question lurking within you.

Oh, and did I mention that another question, similar to this question -- but very different in direction -- can help restore a relationship?

Change the question, change the frame. Get stuck on the question, get stuck in a downward spiral. It's up to you. . . once you know the question.

Which one are you asking?

(Need some help with your marriage? Grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.)

Do you find yourself and/or your spouse anchored to a problem by anxiety or anger? Guess what? Anger and Anxiety -- they come from the same space! One is the inner, the other is the outer expression of fear/hurt/threat.

And wow, can it ever anchor both of you to the problems -- keeping you from moving to solution.

Why does the Anxiety-Anger become an anchor?

How do you cut the line and get back on-track to healing your marriage?

Listen to today's podcast to learn more on releasing the Anxiety-Anger Anchor.

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Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage.

Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.

In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.

These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.

Acceptance
Responsibility
Control

Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.

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Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love.

Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.

But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn't earned. It is given.)

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It may be an odd preoccupation, but I pour over the scuba accident reports. I like to see how the accidents happened, what led to the accident, and how it might have been prevented.

The same approach is taken to studying scuba accidents as is applied to airline accident and medical accidents. And it should be applied to marriage crises.

There's a theory of accidents in systems that is called the "Swiss Cheese Theory of Accidents." Another description would be "multiple causations in spite of prevention systems." Imagine a bunch of slices of swiss cheese. Usually, a slice with holes in it won't line the holes up with another slice. If you stack them together, there are no holes all the way through the stack.

But if the holes line up, something could pass right through. Something like an accident.

In scuba, aviation, medical, and industrial fields, there are multiple checks and balances in place (slices of cheese) to keep an accident from happening.

Marriages also have these safety zones: love, priorities, attention, affection, boundaries, communication, etc. The bigger the hole in each system, the bigger the chance that the holes match up. And the bigger the chance of a marriage crisis.

To put it simply, there are multiple causations that go into a marriage crisis. To go a bit deeper, listen to my podcast below.

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It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself. Listen below.

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I get asked this on a regular basis, both from people who are in the middle of wanting to save their marriage, and those who are wanting to leave. This is what I get asked: "What does it matter if we save it or not?"

In this episode, I cover some of the negative impacts that come with ending a marriage. Not to scare, but to clarify.

Why clarify? Because when we are in pain, we tend to look for a way away from the pain. We tend to not think about those longer term effects. And then, we find ourselves in unexpected problems.

In a future episode, I'll cover what saving a marriage could be, and why that is important.

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Slowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.

Until...

Maybe it was something small...

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)...

And BOOM! You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn't. You say things you wish you hadn't. You do things you wish you hadn't.

BLOW UP!

... and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week's podcast episode below.

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You may just be on a fishing expedition, and not even realize it!

If you are trying to get your spouse to respond, trying to get some feedback from your spouse, you are on a fishing expedition!

You probably won't attract what you want. And you may scare away what you most want to attract.

Do you think you might be on a "fishing expedition"? Listen in to this week's podcast and see if you are fishing. . . and what to do if you ARE!

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Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject: the difference between "Doing The Right Thing" and "Doing It Right."

Let me be very clear: I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work. It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of "throw away." We do it with stuff and relationships.

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous. It's pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship. That is the definition of courage -- feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don't do it the right way. "No Contact Rule," Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail. Their desire to change things is absolutely there. But the approach is in trouble. It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet. Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point. But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let's talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

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It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”

Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.

Are they opposites?

One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.

Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.

And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.

Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.

(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)

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“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples.

What happened? All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife.

At the start, it seemed so easy. You wanted to be together, to spend your life together. Then… something shifted. Things got tough.

Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person?

Or is there something else going on?

There are several challenges that arise in any marriage. They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles. They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life.

You CAN make it through the struggle. And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken. There IS a place for renewal and connection.

Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle.

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You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.

Somewhere better.

It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.

Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.

Those four big stops?

Apology
Forgiving
Trusting
Reconciling

Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road. But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another. You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.

In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate. They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.

Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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You are working on your marriage. You reach out toward your spouse. . . only to feel rejected.

After that stops you in your tracks. You start doubting yourself, your efforts, your plan. . . .

STOP.

What if your spouse was not really intending to reject you?

What if something else was going on?

What if I told you that almost always (I would say "always," but then someone would work hard to prove me wrong), it is not really an attempt to reject.

It is really an attempt to protect.

Not "protect you." But "protect themselves."

What? You say, "They don't need to protect themselves!"

But that doesn't mean they don't feel the need to protect themselves.

Perceptions.

They really get us in trouble. You feel it as rejection. It was meant for protection. The problem is, your perception could throw you off, cause you to pull up, abandon your plan, and wallow in pain.

Or you could understand it from your spouse's perception. . . .

Listen to the podcast below.

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“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”

Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.

Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting.

So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.” She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology.

Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part. You are fighting for connection! For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons.

I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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First, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you!

But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage.

I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage. Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing.

Let's be clear about what typically holds people back. And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative. I'll give you that alternative, too.

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In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

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You've heard the story about the frog and the kettle. It's the slowly heating water that sneaks up on the frog before it can react.

Turns out, frogs are smarter than that. They jump when things get dangerous.

But the metaphor survives because it describes something we do in marriage.

Except our kettle doesn't heat up. It cools down.

Most couples hit a pause button at some point — kids, career, a season of life that demands everything. The intention is good: we've got this, we'll get back to us later.

The problem is, there's no suspended animation in a relationship.

When you step back from connection, the marriage doesn't hold still. It starts cooling. Slowly. Below the surface. Often for years before you notice.

In this episode, I walk you through how it happens, why we miss it, and what it takes to reverse it.

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Most people wait for hope to show up.

They treat it like weather — something that either arrives or doesn't, something outside their control. And when it doesn't show up, they take that as a sign. Maybe it's over. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe there's just nothing left to work with.

But what if hope isn't something you wait for? What if it's something you build?

Waiting for hope is passive. Building hope is a choice.

In this episode, I go back to work from researcher Charles Snyder, who mapped out what hope actually is — not as a feeling, but as a structure. There are ingredients. A recipe. And like any recipe, you can't skip a piece and expect the result to work.

Those ingredients are: a clear goal, a willingness to pursue it, and a plan for how to get there. Three things. And most people who feel hopeless are missing at least one of them. Sometimes all three.

Here's what's interesting about that. The ingredient people most often think they're missing is willingness. They assume they're the problem. That they don't care enough, or aren't strong enough, or have run out of something.

But willingness isn't usually the real problem. The real problem is usually the third ingredient: the plan, the process, the path. Because here's what I've found over 25 years: when someone can actually see the path forward, willingness tends to follow.

Not the other way around.

In this episode, I also walk through the three things that are actually within your control (what I call the 3 A's) and why most people exhaust themselves working on the wrong things entirely.

If you've been feeling stuck, like the motivation just isn't there, or like hope has quietly left the building, then this episode is worth your time.

It won't tell you what to want. It won't hand you willingness you'd have to manufacture on your own. But it will show you that building hope is something you can actually do. Right now. With what you already have.

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